一人字幕組出品
好吧，各位可以看的出來，不要覺得太奇怪 All right, so here's how you can tell, in order of weirdness,
這是個夢境 that this is a dream.
首先，我在做愛 First off, I'm having sex.
第二，我躺在心型的紅色橡膠床墊上 Second, I'm on a heart-shaped bed with red rubber sheets.
真爽 Nice.
那是燒杯嗎？ Are those beakers?
沒錯，我在上化學課 Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
這是第三點 That's third.
這女人非常完美 And this woman is just perfect.
我是說，看看她 I mean, look at her.
那雙眼睛，那對嘴唇... Those eyes...Those lips...
三個乳房 Those three tits.
我想跟各位說第五點，但差不多是時候 I would tell you the fifth, but this is about the time
我要... where I --
電影名稱：早熟
我就是我人生中的 I'm bit part player in the
大人物 story of my life
我無法醒來，但是 and I can't wake up, but I
我不想在晚上睡 just won't sleep at night
但也許我活著，也許 but maybe I'm alive and maybe
我死了 I'm dead
你說的這些事在我腦中 the things you say went around
縈繞 my head
空虛的詞聽起來就像 empty words that sound like
屎蛋 shit to me
轉過去，去，去，去 turn around, round, round,
去，去，去 round, round, round
轉過去 turn it around
轉過去，去，去 turn around, round, round,
去，去，去 round, round, round
把...把床單丟到洗衣機吧，甜心 just...Throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.
沒事的 It's okay.
她在洗衣服 She's in the laundry room.
坐下吧 Sit down.
我得去學校了，那... I should probably be going to school, so...
我們都知道今天的 We both know how important
面試很重要 today's interview is.
爸，我真的不需要 Dad, I really don't need
再聽加油的話 another pep talk.
你坐冷板凳而你的隊友跟其他八個球員打球時 little league and your team played with eight players,
我沒說什麼 I said nothing.
你被莎莉·李文森霸凌時 When you were bullied by Sally levinson...
我沒說什麼 I said nothing.
你參選班長 When you lost the class
輸給一個浣熊... presidency to a raccoon...
他是學校吉祥物 He was the school mascot.
我沒說什麼 ...I said nothing.
但這次對我太重要 But this is too important to me
我不可能坐視不管 to just sit idly by and say nothing.
來吧，坐吧 So, come on. Please.
好吧， Okay. Fine.
我要你面試時帶著這個 I want you to wear this during the interview.
這是我以前在喬治城 This is my old headband from
參加划船比賽的舊頭帶 when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
但，我不是划船啊 But...I don't row crew.
喔天啊，這聞起來很像胯下 Oh, God. This smells like crotch.
這是勝利的味道 That's the smell of a champion.
今天你有個大好機會 Today you have a huge opportunity.
今天你要讓我驕傲 Today you'll make me proud.
要是我可以在他的 It would save me time if I would
床上鋪些報紙就可以省下 just put down newspaper on
很多...時間 his...Bed.
[ Cold war kids 的 "miracle mile" ]
我應該做大事 I was supposed to do great things
我知道路途漫長 I know the road was long
但我不是為了成名 but I wasn't raised to shoot for fame
我得走平穩的路 I had the safety on
嗚，嗚，嗚 ooh, ooh, ooh
我剪斷領帶 I cut my ties,
我賣了戒指 I sold my rings
我不需要這些東西 I wanted none of this
如果你出身微寒 if you start from scratch,
你得唱歌 you have to sing
為了愉快 just for the fun of it
衣服真漂亮 cute dress!
你好，麗莎 Hello, Lisa.
為什麼他要接近我們？ Why is he near us?
祝你有愉快的一天 Have a good day at school.
勞勃 Rob!
呦，勞勃 Yo, rob!
啊啊 Ah!
喔 Oh.
嘿，你還好嗎？ Hey, are you okay?
噓 Shh.
我本來要發射了 So, I'm about to blow my load
結果麗莎說「等等」 when Lisa says, "wait."
然後她站起來，開始穿衣服 She then stands up, gets dressed,
轉過來對我說 turns to me and says,
「好了 "okay.
現在射吧」 Come now."
然後蹦 And boom.
我射了 I came.
怎麼會有高中女生 How does a high school chick
知道心靈控制？ learn mind control like that?
也許某些特殊學校會教性課程？ Maybe some sort of magnet school for the sexually advanced?
你一定會喜歡性愛 You're gonna love sex.
就像是打世界上 It's like jerking off with the
最爽的手槍 best sock on the planet.
等等 Wait.
為什麼你穿得跟艾倫·狄珍妮一樣 (美國脫口秀女主持人) Why are you dressed like Ellen degeneres?
我今天要面試 I have my interview today.
我穿得不像艾倫 I'm not dressed like Ellen.
那，要是你沒上你要怎麼辦？ So, what are you gonna do if you don't get in?
嘿，閉嘴，好嗎？ Hey. No. Shut up, okay?
我一定得上 I have to get in.
不要觸我霉頭 Don't jinx me.
那我殺隻雞就好 So I'll kill a chicken.
放輕鬆啦 Relax.
嘿，老兄，你今晚要過來嗎？ Hey, man. You want to come over tonight?
我要跟巴爾幹的小子玩線上「俠盜獵車手」 I'm playing "grand theft auto" online with that kid from the Balkans.
你知道，他傳給我一個超殺的youtube短片 You know, he sent me this fucked-up YouTube clip.
有些人揍他的蛋蛋 Some mma guy got punched in the
揍到他拉屎又射精 nuts so hard he shit himself and came.
哇，嗯，雖然我很想看，但是加布麗爾跟我 Wow, uh, as much as I'd love to see that, Gabrielle and I are
今晚要看拼字大賽 watching the spelling bee tonight.
嗨，各位 Hi, guys.
那不是書呆子超級盃？ The dork super bowl?
現場有一堆緊張的小孩，害怕讓他們的父母失望 trembling kids, terrified of disappointing their watching parents.
我是說，就像是看 I mean, it's like watching
虐待兒童的節目 televised child abuse.
超酷的說 It's fucking awesome.
他們也許不會被揍，但一樣會嚇到拉屎 They don't get punched, but they do shit themselves.
哈 Huh.
你們早安啊 And a good morning to you both.
嘿，加布 Hey, gabs.
謝謝你 Thanks.
亞瑟 Arthur.
你什麼時候要搭飛機，小亞 What time you flying out, Artie?
很可惜殘障奧林匹克並沒有幽默大賽 Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.
勞勃，加布麗爾跟我說你喬治鎮大學面試在今天 So, rob, Gabrielle told me your Georgetown interview is today.
嗯，對 Uh, yeah.
我有點緊張 I'm a little nervous.
要我替你說點打氣的話嗎？ Want me to put in a good word?
從我中學開始他們就一直用全額獎學金邀我過去 They've been on my jock about going there full ride since I was in middle school.
真的嗎？從中學開始？ Really? Since middle school?
對七歲的我來說壓力很大 It's a lot of pressure for a 7-year-old.
早安 Good morning.
早安，休斯老師 Morning, Mr. Hughes.
亞瑟，我以為你會早點到 Arthur, I thought you were going to be here early.
不好意思 Excuse me for a second.
少給我來這套，休斯老師，我寫好了你的報告，但 Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes. I have your lesson plan, but
我沒拿到錢 what I don't have is my money.
在教室裡 It's in my classroom.
那我們走吧 Then let's go.
不好意思，各位，我有事要處理 I'm sorry, guys. I have to handle this.
還有，勞勃，面試的時候提到我的名字沒關係 And, rob, feel free to drop my name in the interview.
我不敢相信你的鄰居竟然賣功課給老師 I can't believe your pre-pub neighbor sells homework to teachers.
對啊，而且他怎麼那麼有自信 Yeah, and how is he so confident?
他的眉毛還比山姆·埃利奧特的鬍子還濃 He has one eyebrow and it's thicker than Sam elliott's mustache.
噢，他沒辦法解決眉毛，他是亞美尼亞人 Aw, he can't help the eyebrow. He's Armenian.
真可憐？不，他應該修眉毛，看起來很丟臉 Poor kid? No, you should mow that thing. It's embarrassing.
一直抓著自己下體的人還真敢說 Says the guy who has been not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.
我要防止足球隊的 It's an athletic supporter.
公平來說，加布麗爾，一點小小的不適 In his defense, Gabrielle, a little discomfort is far better
會比整學期每天被踢蛋蛋來的好 than getting kicked in he balls every day for a semester.
那只在九年級發生過，之後就再也沒發生過 That happened in the 9th grade. It hasn't happened since.
不是這麼容易遺忘的，加布麗爾 It's not something one just forgets, Gabrielle.
我九年級被磨蛋蛋 The 9th grade was my ballocaust.
不能再發生 Never again.
我替今晚弄到啤酒，你很期待嗎？ I got beer for tonight. You excited?
喔，太棒了，怎麼會？ Oh, sweet. How?
我趁購物的時候丟到推車裡 Just threw it in the cart at the shop 'n save.
我媽以為是我爸放的，我爸以為是自己放的，所以很成功 and my dad thought he put it in, so it worked out perfectly.
嘿，這是你最後一次修改賭注 Hey, so, it is your last chance to change your bet,
除非你真的認為那個 unless you really think that
夢娜女孩可以獲勝 Mona panchal will take it all.
嗯，某些統計說... Um, some stats --
好吧 all right.
她十三歲 She is a 13-year-old
來自堪薩斯的後起之秀 up-and-comer from Kansas via Mumbai with a nervous twitch.
她兩年前第十二名，去年第五名，今年輪到她了 She placed 12th two years ago, 5th last year. This is her year.
而且，你現在要換人也來不及了，因為第一輪已經開始比賽 Also, it is too late to change your bets because the first round has started.
我只是很興奮 I'm just really excited for
pongsaklek wonjongkam 可以在LUNCH 上面打敗夢娜 pongsaklek wonjongkam to eat Mona for l-u-n-c-h.
好吧，pongsaklek 是男生還是女生？ Right. Is pongsaklek a boy or a girl?
嗯，我不知道 Yeah, I have no idea.
但如果他可以拼出自己的名字，他什麼都可以 But if it can spell its own name, it can spell anything.
所以，我在想我們可以在每次有人要求 So, I was thinking we could drink every time somebody asks
換發音時喝一杯 for alternate pronunciations.
或者...每次有人要求換發音時，我們可以乾一杯 Or -- or every time someone asks for alternate pronunciations, we could cut ourselves.
嗯，當然 Yeah, sure.
呦，勞勃 Yo, rob! Y--
嘿，你開什麼玩笑？ hey! Are you kidding me?
你們是排球員 You're volleyball players.
你們不會惡作劇 You don't get to pick on people.
傳給我 Set me.
不 No!
喔，該死 Ooh! Damn.
是尿欸 It's piss.
那些王八蛋尿在我身上 Those assholes pissed on me.
嗯，在面試前可以曬乾吧 Well, that'll dry by the interview.
嗯，但他聞起來會很像消臭塊 Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.
我知道，我的確聞起來很像消臭塊 I do. I do smell like a urinal cake.
好吧，各位，我下一節得考試，我得走了，嗯... Okay, guys, I have my test next period. I got to go. Um...
史丹利，去失物招領處拿一件新褲子 Stanley, go to the lost and found, get rob a new pair of pants.
我不會讓你失望，老兄，借過，褲子危機 I won't let you down, buddy. Watch out! Pants emergency!
保持冷靜 Stay calm.
好吧，深呼吸 All right? Take a deep breath.
不要讓你的小弟靠近面試官的臉 Keep the recruiter's face away from your junk.
一定會很棒 And it's gonna be great.
好嗎？ Okay?
感謝，加布 Thanks, gabs.
傳訊給我拼字比賽的狀況 Just text me with bee updates, okay?
我會的 I will.
好吧，這些不是很理想 Okay, these aren't ideal,
但實在沒有什麼選擇 but they didn't have a lot to choose from.
這是男生的褲子嗎？ Are these even men's pants?
穿上吧，也許你看起來很帥 Try 'em on. Maybe you'll look fabulous.
我覺得穿上會很難看 I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
嘿，你們知道我下節課要考試吧 Hey, you know I have a test next period, right?
噓 Shh.
怎麼你教的學生都這麼自我中心？ Are all the people you tutor this self-absorbed?
嘿，亞提，你可以幫這個學生嗎，拜託 Hey, Artie. Can you help this student, please?
勞勃沒空 Rob's falling apart.
我知道你有學習障礙，史丹利，但你可以 I know you have a learning disability, Stanley, but can you
搞清楚我現在就在家教嗎？ grasp the fact that I'm already working with someone?
有多少人知道你替休斯老師做事 How many people know about your arrangement with Mr. Hughes?
我敢說一定還有其他老師 And I'm presuming there are others.
你這蠢羊
不要對我說魔法語 Don't shout that witch language at me!
我會把你綁在樹上燒死 I'll burn you at the stake.
過去 Move.
快 Go.
我知道什麼可以幫助你，好，你先深呼吸 I know what would help. Okay, take a deep breath.
好，我在做了 Okay. I am.
很好，現在去廁所， Good. Now go to the bathroom, hit a
鎖上門，好好打一槍 stall, and rub one out to that.
科學證明你高潮後血壓會降低 It's a scientific fact that your blood pressure drops after you orgasm.
就像是你的蛋蛋透或靜脈做瑜珈 It's like your balls are shooting yoga through your veins.
喔，不，她過來了嗎？ - 對 Oh, no. Is she coming over here? Yep.
她要過來了，該死，不要說話 She is. Shit. Please stop talking now.
嗨，勞勃 Hi, rob.
嘿，安琪拉 Hey, Angela.
嗯，早安 Um, good morning.
不好意思，安琪拉，我得更新我的維基百科頁面 Excuse me, Angela. I have to update my Wikipedia page.
好吧 Okay.
嗯，勞勃，我知道我們的家教課程不是 So, rob, um, I know our tutoring session isn't supposed to be
在星期四，但我希望可以改個時間 until Thursday, but I was kind of hoping we could schedule,
像是緊急家教之類的 like, an emergency session.
馬柯尼老師把考試時間提早了 Miss marconi moved the test up.
她明天要做乳房X光檢查，所以... She's getting a mammogram tomorrow, so...
你剛說乳房X光檢查？ Did you say mammogram?
是啊，怎麼聽起來這麼性感 Yeah, how'd you make it sound so hot?
我想我們今晚可以在我家念書 I was thinking that we could study tonight at my house.
今晚？嗯，事實上，我想我不行 Tonight? Um, actually, I don't think I can.
喔，真可惜，真的嗎？ Oh, boo. Really?
不，不是這樣 No. Not really.
嗯，只是，嗯... Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...
我有計畫而且不能改，所以... I kind of have plans I can't change, so...
是嗎？ Do you?
沒錯，我有 Yes. I do,
我有計畫 have plans.
也許，嗯，你可以找亞瑟幫你家教？ Maybe, uh, you can study with Arthur instead?
智障啊你
喔，你是認真的嗎？ Oh, you're serious?
沒關係，那我就... That's okay. I'll just --
我就當掉吧 I'll just fail it.
不，安琪拉，不用擔心 No, Angela, don't worry.
勞勃會重新安排他的計畫，然後儘快讓你知道 Rob will reassess his schedule and get back to you a.S.A.F'ing.P.
謝謝。對了，勞勃，那件外套讓你看起來超聰明的 Thanks. By the way, rob, that coat makes you look so professorial.
她想要上你 She wants to fuck you.
她的綽號叫做「課後特別時間」有原因的 Her nickname is "after school special" for a reason.
我剛來，她就治好了麥克的口吃 Freshman year, she cured Mike Dolan's stutter.
她的妹妹造就了「國王之聲」 Her pussy inspired "the king's speech."
我只是不想讓加布失望，你知道嗎？ I just can't just bail on gabs, you know?
我是說，我們每年都一起看拼字比賽，這是傳統 I mean, we watch the spelling bee every year. It's our thing.
你從我們認識以來就一直很哈安琪拉 You've been borderline stalking Angela as long as we've been friends.
我們從五歲就開始當朋友 We've been friends since we were 5.
你花太多時間在我身上 You took time to grow on me.
我一直到六歲半才確認你是朋友 I didn't consider you a friend until 61.
聽著，安琪拉只跟成熟男人做愛 Look, Angela has sex with grown men.
她從國小開始就不曾跟高中生做愛 She hasn't slept with a high-school student since elementary school.
她只對你特別開例 She's making an exception for you.
今天我壓力很大 This is too much pressure for me today.
好吧，那我這樣問你 Okay, well, let me ask you this.
她曾經邀請你去過她家嗎？ Has she ever invited you over to her house before?
沒有，但不要說了，好嗎？ No, and stop, okay? Please.
因為我現在很慌張，而且我不能拉屎在運動褲上 Because I am panicking, and I cannot shit these gym shorts.
噁心，他剛剛真的說那句話嗎？ Ew. Did he really just say that?
這首詩的內容描述一個會說話的烏鴉神祕地造訪 The poem tells of a talking raven's mysterious visit to a
一個失落的愛人，並讓那個男人陷入瘋狂 distraught lover, tracing's he man's slow fall into madness.
我會開始念這首詩，然後我們會討論一次 I'll start reading and then we'll go around the room counterclockwise.
當我念這首詩的時候，仔細觀察重複的字詞 As I recite the poem, look for the repetition of the word
「不再重複」 "nevermore."
曾經一個陰沉的午夜 "Once upon a midnight dreary,
面試重點
而我虛弱地呢喃 while I pondered weak and weary,
超過一個古典而好奇的... over many a quaint and curious
被遺忘的音量中 volume of forgotten lore"...
你知道，我看過去年的年冊，她的胸部 You know, I looked at last year's yearbook, and her tits
沒有那麼大 were not that big.
一定是整型了 There has definitely been a cosmetic enhancement.
而且兩個都整 At least two of them.
當然 Definitely.
我死的時候，我想看看她那一對大奶，你懂？ When I die, I want to come back as her top button, you know?
嗯 Yeah.
或是看著男人上她 Or a guy who's fucking her.
一定很酷 That'd be cool.
一定很酷 That would be cool.
老兄，幹嘛 Dude, come on.
我要加上點東西 I have something to add.
請勞勃克拉布到辦公室去 I need rob crabbe to the main office.
勞勃 Rob.
本來是喬治鎮的吉祥物嗎？ Is that supposed to be the Georgetown mascot?
因為那是牛頭犬 'Cause you know it's a bulldog.
我畫不出牛頭犬 I can't draw bulldogs.
每一塊紫色窗的 ..."the silken sad uncertain
柔軟，暗淡的沙沙聲 rustling of each purple curtain
使我從未感受過的 filled me with fantastic terrors
夢幻般的恐怖 never felt before."
史丹利不是去失物招領處了嗎？ Didn't Stanley go to the lost and found?
他們只剩短褲 They only had Capri pants.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
你要護送我嗎？ Are you my escort?
任君差遣 At your service.
喔，我有個壞消息 Oh, I have bad news for you.
Pongsaklek wonjongkam，他是男生，而且， Pongsaklek wonjongkam, who is a boy, by the way, misspelled
在複賽第二場拼錯「endoradiosonde」 "endoradiosonde" in the second preliminary round.
你說真的嗎？ Are you serious?
該死，我真沒想到會這樣 Shit. I did not see either of those coming.
好吧... Well...
我們到了 Here we are.
你一定會成功，我相信 You're gonna nail it. I know it.
你這麼認為？ You think?
沒錯 Yes.
我是說，誰能抗拒那雙美腿？ I mean, who can resist those legs?
勞勃克拉布？ Rob crabbe?
傑克羅斯，喬治鎮大學招生委員會，很高興認識你 Jack roth, Georgetown admissions. Good to meet you.
請坐 Please take a seat.
嗯，在我們開始之前，請容許我 Uh, before we begin, allow me
為穿短褲道歉 to apologize for the shorts.
有些同學認為這很有趣.. Some of my classmates thought it might be amusing if uhh --
霸凌 bullies.
他們用什麼武器？ What was their weapon of choice?
裝滿尿的水槍，直接噴到我 A piss-filled water gun. Direct hit.
不用說了，我會假裝你穿長褲 Say no more. I'll pretend they're pants.
聽著，我看到你的資料都很完美，所以我來 Look, everything I've read about you is great, so I'm
只是希望可以見到你本人 really here just to put a face with the name.
那是你的筆記嗎？ Are those your notes?
給我吧 Give them to me.
你不需要筆記 You don't need notes.
做你自己即可 Just be yourself.
如果你不曉得要做什麼沒關係 And it's okay if you don't know who that is yet.
因為大學就是為了尋找你自己而開設 That's what college is for -- to figure out who you are.
並不是其他人 Right? Not what somebody else
想要你做什麼，而是你自己 wants you to be, but who you...
想要 Really...
做什麼 Are.
只要誠實回答以下問題 Just answer the questions honestly.
你就沒問題，好嗎？ You're gonna do fine, all right?
好的 [ Chuckles ] Okay.
我看到你的父母都是 I see that your parents both
從喬治鎮大學畢業 graduated from Georgetown.
嗯，我媽跟我爸都是 Yeah. Both my mom and dad.
事實上，他們在那裡認識 They met there, actually.
嗯，有些小孩是聽 Uh, some kids grow up hearing
綠野仙蹤長大的 about oz or wonderland.
但我的童話故事卻是 All my fairy tales took place in
發生在神祕的喬治鎮大學 the mythical land of Georgetown.
不好意思 I'm sorry.
我也在喬治鎮大學 I met my wife...
認識我老婆 At Georgetown, too.
但之後... But then...
紅斑性狼瘡 (好發在女性身上，會導致死亡) [ Crying ] Lupus.
我很抱歉 [ Sniffles ] I'm sorry.
就像是昨天一樣，其實是十個月前 It feels like it happened yesterday. It was 10 months ago.
我還沒完全走出來 I'm just having a moment, okay? [ Sniffles ]
嗯，當然 Yeah, no.
請慢慢來 Please, take your time.
不，不，不，我們要繼續 No, no, no. Let's do this.
我們要繼續 Let's do this.
你知道最大惡霸 You know who the biggest bully
是誰嗎？ is?
紅斑性狼瘡？ Lupus?
不 No!
是生命 It's life!
生命是最大的惡霸 Life is the biggest bully of them all.
它會一直 They'll shoot you with a
用裝了尿的水槍潑灑你 piss-filled water pistol again and again and again.
你只能每天早起，繼續工作 You got to just get up, carry on.
就跟尿一樣臭 Smell like piss.
生命是最大最該死的 Life is the biggest fucking
惡霸 bully of them all.
我很抱歉 I am sorry.
哇 Whoa!
學生家教 Detour.
喔，看看這裡寫的 Oh, lookit here.
上面寫說你參與 It says that you were, uh, part
學生對學生的 of the student-to-student
課輔計畫 tutoring initiative.
羅斯先生？ Mr. roth?
我的老婆就是我的家教 [ Voice breaking ] My wife was my tutor.
這是我們認識的方式 That is how we met.
喔，天啊 [ Crying ] Oh, God.
現在她走了 That's how we met.
她走了 And now she's gone.
嗯... Um...
這是我爸給我的頭帶... I have my dad's headband, so...
謝謝你 Thank you.
喔 Oh.
怎麼樣？ How'd it go?
他哭了 He cried.
不知為何我讓他想起 Somehow I reminded him of the
他失去人生最大的意義 greatest loss of his life.
我進不去喬治鎮大學了 There goes Georgetown.
這不是世界末日 It's not the end of the world.
那只是你爸的願望，還有其他學校可以念 It's just your dad talking. There are other schools.
你想像一下你有一個目標 Imagine for one second that you had any goals whatsoever,
現在你沒達到目標 and then imagine if they didn't happen.
這就是為什麼我從不設目標 This is exactly why I don't have goals.
聽著，你還是可以上喬治頓大學 Look, you can still get into Georgetown.
如果你上不去，那就專注在 And if you can't, focus on one
其他你可以做得到的 thing you can still get into --
安琪拉 Angela.
你瘋了 You're insane.
她不想要 She doesn't want to --
你可以成為漂亮的非處男蝴蝶 you could become a beautiful non-virgin butterfly.
讓安琪拉打破你的蛹 Let Angela's crotch be your cocoon.
嘿，安琪拉 Hey. Angela.
勞勃 Rob.
短褲很好看 Nice shorts.
嗯，謝謝 Uh, thanks.
說來話長 Uh, long story.
嗯... But, um...
我今晚可以替你輔導 I can tutor you tonight.
真的嗎？ Really?
耶 Yeah.
喔，勞勃你真是救星 Oh, rob you're such a life saver.
喔，我可以替你解決測驗，但馬可尼老師 Oh, I can help you out with your test, but miss marconi is
有她自己的乳房X光測驗 on her own with her...Mammogram.
嘿，我一直在找你 Hey. I've been looking all over for you.
嘿，你的.... Hey, how was your, uh...
真的嗎？ Really?
嗯，對 Uh, yeah.
我，嗯 I, um...
我變成wonjongkam了 I pulled a wonjongkam.
不會吧，怎麼了 No. What happened.
我不想再提了 I'd rather not relive it.
嘿，嗯，聽著，嗯... Hey, so, listen, um...
我想我今晚不適合過去 I don't think I can make it tonight.
我，嗯，我覺得我沒心情 I, uh, I'm just not feeling up to it.
你確定嗎？也許你會開心一點 You sure? Might cheer you up.
嗯，你知道，改天吧 Yeah, you know, another time.
嗯... Um...
因為我不確定我的未來 It's just my future's in doubt.
嗯，不，沒關係 Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.
我不知道你為什麼這麼難過 I don't know why you feel so bad.
因為我對加布說謊 Because I just lied to gabs.
我感到很難過 I feel awful.
很好，我們可以利用這點 Good. We can use that.
什麼？ What?
罪惡感是恩賜 Well, guilt is a blessing.
可以讓你稱久一點 It'll make you last longer.
如果你只拿衛生紙 You can only go four minutes
就算四分鐘也沒差 when it's just you and the tissues.
唉，那我也對那件事有罪惡感 Yeah, and I'm feeling plenty of guilt then, too.
那我們得需要更強烈的東西 Well, we'll need something stronger.
還記得我不小心露出我的蛋嗎？ Remember when I accidentally exposed my baldy?
噁，記得 Ugh. Yeah.
看起來很像我爺爺的手肘 It looked like my grandpa's elbow.
對，就像這樣 Yeah, use that.
那也會讓你稱久一點 That'll ruin things for a little while.
很好 That's good.
你知道你還要做什麼嗎？ You know what you should do?
買超大尺寸的保險套 Buy the magnums, too.
然後把普通尺寸的保險套拿出來，故意把大包裝 Then use the regular-sized condom, but leave behind the
袋子留在外面 Magnum wrapper.
這有什麼用？ What's that gonna do?
而且會讓她認為她的陰道很鬆 Besides make her feel like she has a giant vagina.
嗯，我要trojan ecstasy 牌保險套 Um, I'll have the trojan ecstasy
螺旋狀，麻煩了 ultra-ribbed, please.
嗚嗚嗚嗚 Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
嗚嗚嗚嗚 whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
嗚嗚嗚嗚 whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
我愛你 I love you
你也愛我 you do, too
喔 oh!
我很好，你這王八蛋 I'm fine, you asshole!
嗚嗚嗚嗚 Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
嗚嗚嗚嗚 whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh
嗚嗚嗚嗚 whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
我愛你 I love you
你也愛我 you do, too
你愛你 you love you
上她？ pussy?
不好意思？ Excuse me?
你是來上她的嗎？ Are you here for pussy?
我是安琪拉的家教 I'm Angela's tutor.
她在家嗎？ Is she home?
我不知道 I don't know.
我可以問問看嗎？ Mind if I check?
隨你的便 Do as you wish.
嘿 Hey.
烏茲，你知道你可以在裡面抽菸 Uzi, you know you can smoke inside.
喔，不用了謝謝 Uh, no thank you.
烏茲是以色列人，他要在這裡 Uzi's from Israel. He's staying with us for the
跟我們一起上課... rest of the school year, so...
酷 Cool.
何時家鄉才能如此安寧... When it's this quiet back home...
咖啡廳爆炸案 A café explodes.
進來吧 Come on in.
好的 Okay. [ Chuckles ]
蹦蹦 Ka-boom.
嗯，所以... Uh...So...
二次方程式 Quadratic equations.
相信我，這比他 Believe me, it is a lot more
聽起來還有趣 exciting than it sounds.
你在做什麼？ What are you doing?
坐床上吧 Sit on the bed.
喔，好 Oh, yeah.
嗯，好的 Uh, right.
當然 Of course.
你想要喝葡萄酒嗎？ So, would you like some wine?
這是白金芬黛 It's white zinfandel.
我媽的最愛 It's my mom's favorite.
非常好喝 It's absolutely delish.
不用了謝謝 No thanks.
數學問題比較適合紅酒 Math pairs better with a robust red.
你媽在家嗎？ Is your mom home?
不，她晚上上班 No, she works at night.
只剩下我跟烏茲 It's just me and uzi.
喔，天啊 Oh, my God!
喔，天啊，不好意思 Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
不用擔心 Don't worry about it.
那，嗯... So, uh...
你明天的考試 What -- what exactly is your
內容是什麼？ test on tomorrow?
我可以跟你坦白嗎？ Can I confess something to you?
你該不會有個死老婆或是 You don't have a dead wife or
什麼的吧？ anything, do you?
因為我今天可不要再受一次 'Cause I can't take that again today.
不是 [ Chuckles ] No.
我明天其實沒有考試 I don't really have a test tomorrow.
你沒有？ You don't?
沒有 No
我只是很喜歡跟你念書 I just really like studying with you.
我也很喜歡跟你念書 I really like studying with you, too.
你的成績有很大的進步 Your grades are really improving.
每次課輔，都是我一週最期待的 The studying sessions are, like, the highlight of my week.
是嗎？ They are?
嗯 Yeah.
我跟你在一起的時候，我不知道 When I'm with you, I don't know.
你不會像其他人這樣待我 You don't treat me like everyone else.
我只是覺得....我不知道 I just feel...I don't know.
很安全 Safe.
我八年級的時候是校園安全巡邏隊隊長 I was captain of the safety patrol team in 8th grade.
等等 Wait.
也許我們應該... Maybe we should --
喔，那真是太爽了 oh, that -- that is nice.
把...把床單 Just...Throw the sheets in
丟到洗衣機吧，甜心 the laundry, hon.
怎麼會… What the f--
沒事的 It's okay.
她在洗衣服 She's in the laundry room.
坐下吧 Sit down.
我們都知道今天的面試很重要 We both know how important today's interview is.
勞勃 Rob?
面試是今天？ The interview is today?
不要開玩笑，勞勃 Don't "f" with me, Robert.
你坐冷板凳 When you were benched in little
你的隊友跟其他八個球員打球時，我沒說什麼 league and your team played with eight players, I said nothing.
你被莎莉·李文森霸凌時，我沒說什麼 When you were bullied by Sally levinson, I said nothing.
你參選班長輸給一個浣熊... 我沒說什麼 When you lost the class presidency to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.
但這次對我太重要，我不可能坐視不管 But this interview is far too important for me to sit idly by and say nothing.
我要你面試時帶著這個 I want you to wear this during the interview.
這是我以前在喬治城參加划船比賽的舊頭帶 This is my old headband from when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
今天你要讓我驕傲 Today's the day you make me proud.
要是我可以在他的 It would save me time if I would
床上鋪些報紙就可以省下 just put down newspaper on
很多...時間 his...Bed.
勞勃 Rob!
呦，勞勃 Yo, rob!
啊啊 Ah!
我本來要要發射了，結果麗莎說「等等」 So, I'm about to blow my load when she says, "wait."
然後她站起來，開始穿衣服 She then stands up, gets dressed, and leaves.
然後轉過來對我說 Before she goes, she turns to me
「好了，現在射吧」 and says, "okay. Come now."
然後蹦，我射了 And boom. I came.
你在幹嘛啊？ What the fuck are you doing?
為什麼你穿得跟艾倫·狄珍妮一樣 Why are you dressed like Ellen degeneres?
他傳給我一個超殺的youtube短片 No, he sent me this fucked-up YouTube clip.
有些人揍他的蛋蛋 Some mma guy got punched in the
揍到他拉屎又射精 nuts so hard he shit himself and came.
嘿，你是在生氣還是怎樣？ Hey, you pissed at me or something?
我真的搞不清楚 I'm just...Really out of it.
我想我沒睡好 I don't think I slept so good.
就像是做了個瘋狂的夢 I was having a crazy dream.
你們早安啊 And a good morning to you both.
嘿，加布，亞瑟 Hey, gabs. Arthur.
你什麼時候要搭飛機，小亞 What time are you flying out, Artie?
很可惜殘障奧林匹克並沒有幽默大賽 Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.
勞勃，加布麗爾跟我說你 So, rob, Gabrielle told me your
喬治鎮大學面試在今天？ Georgetown interview is today?
有人知道中風的前兆是什麼嗎？ Does anyone know the warning signs of a stroke?
早安 Good morning.
早安，休斯老師 Hi, Mr. Hughes.
亞瑟，我以為你會早點到 Arthur, I thought you were gonna be here early.
不好意思 Excuse me for a second.
你知道，我對他感到遺憾 You know, I kind of feel bad for him.
大概是因為他的眉毛吧 Probably because he has one eyebrow.
他的眉毛還比 And it's thicker than...
山姆·埃利奧特的鬍子還濃 Both: Sam elliott's mustache.
所以，我在想我們可以在每次有人要求 So, I was thinking every time they ask for alternate
換發音時喝一杯 pronunciations, we could drink.
呦，勞勃 Rob! Yo, rob!
嘿， Hey!
你開什麼玩笑？ Are you kidding me?
你們是排球員 You're volleyball players.
你們不會惡作劇 You don't get to pick on people.
傳給我 Set me.
喔 Oh!
喔，該死 Ooh! Damn!
是尿 It's piss.
好吧，嗯… Okay, um...
嗯，在面試前可以曬乾吧 Well, that'll dry by the interview, right?
嗯，但他聞起來會很像消臭塊 Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.
我下一節得考試，我得走了 I have my test next period, so I got to go.
嗯… Um...
史丹利，去失物招領處… Stanley, go to the lost and found --
不，沒關係 no, it's fine.
我去穿我放在體育櫃的 I'll just wear the shorts in my
運動褲就好 gym locker.
真的嗎？你確定？ Really? You sure?
保持冷靜 Stay calm.
深呼吸 Take a deep breath.
不，說真的，我沒事 No, seriously. I'm good.
一切都跟夢一樣 This was the dream.
你說你夢到今天？ You dreamed about today?
對 Yeah.
麗莎叫你射精 Lisa's telling you to come.
尿槍 The piss gun.
還有安琪拉想要 And Angela yearwood wants to
跟我上床 have sex with me.
唬爛 Bullshit.
嘿，我下一節要考試 Hey. I have a test next period.
怎麼你教的學生都這麼自我中心？ Are all the people you tutor this self-absorbed?
嗨，勞勃 Hi, rob.
我知道我們的家教課程不是 So, I know our tutoring session wasn't supposed to be until
在星期四，但我希望 Thursday, but I was kind of,
可以改個時間，緊急家教之類的 like, hoping that we could schedule an emergency session.
馬柯尼老師把考試時間提早了 Miss marconi moved the test up.
她明天要做乳房X光檢查 She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.
乳房X光 Mammogram.
你現在怎麼還能專心在面試呢？ How could you even focus on your interview right now?
我在夢裡的時候失敗了 In the dream, I bombed it.
管他的，安琪拉會讓每件事都重來 Angela will make everything in the world right again.
請勞勃克拉布到辦公室去 I need rob crabbe to the main office.
你知道，我在安琪拉身上也失敗了 You know, I bombed the Angela thing, too.
對喔 That's right.
什麼？ What?
沒事 Nothing.
你準備好了嗎？ Are you ready?
我看起來像準備好了嗎？ Do I look ready?
那件褲子奇怪地適合你 The outfit weirdly works for you.
不，並沒有 No, it doesn't.
不，一點也不 Nope. Not at all.
喔，我有個壞消息 Oh, I have bad news for you.
Pongsaklek wonjongkam 拼錯「endoradiosonde」 Yeah, pongsaklek wonjongkam misspelled "endoradiosonde."
我老婆是我的家教，這是我們認識的方式 [ Voice breaking ] My wife was my tutor. That's how we met.
喔，天啊，老天 [ Crying ] Oh, God. Jesus.
她走了 She's gone.
結果呢？ So?
不要不說話 Don't shut me out!
嘿，勞勃 Hey, rob!
你還好嗎？ Are you okay?
我只是很興奮我們今晚能見面 I just thought you'd be more excited to come over tonight.
你知道，如果你沒其他計畫的話 You know, if you have other plans.
我今晚可以替你家教 I can tutor you tonight, so...
你是救星 You're a life saver!
嗯，救救我？我生病了 Um...Help me? I'm sick.
你怎麼了？ What's wrong?
我也不知道 I have no idea.
我發現有既視感，或是精神病發作，我真的 I'm having déjà vu or, like, a psychotic episode, and I really
需要幫忙，因為我現在一片混亂 need your help because I'm falling apart.
好吧 Okay.
把這個放進嘴裡 Put this under your tongue.
時間到了，尼爾 That's your timer, Neal.
沒發燒，尼爾 No fever, Neal.
你沒生病，甜心 You're not sick, honey.
你可以回教室了 You can go back to class.
噁 [ Vomiting ]
嗯，你知道嗎？我自己搞懂好了 Yeah, you know what? I'll just figure it out.
希望你好一點，尼爾 Feel better, Neal.
從安琪拉那裡得到性病一點也不遲 There's never a bad time to get an std from Angela yearwood.
就算她傳給你最致命的，你的醫生還是會跟你擊掌 Even if she gave you a fatal one, your doctor would still high-five you.
加布：我要跟你一起喝啤酒 [ Cellphone chimes ]
該死，我還沒跟加布取消 Shit. I never canceled with gabs.
管她啊 Who cares?
安琪拉要替你破處了 Angela's about to deflower you.
拜託開心一點 Please smile.
我要 trojan ecstasy 牌螺旋紋保險套，麻煩了 Could I have the trojan ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?
嗚嗚嗚嗚 Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh
我愛你 I love you
你也愛我 you do, too
喔，該死，就在這...啊 oh, shit. This is where -- aah!
你是來上她的嗎？ Are you here for pussy?
嘿 Hey.
我可以跟你坦白嗎？ Can I confess something to you?
我明天其實沒有考試 I don't really have a test tomorrow.
我知道 I know.
喔，不 Oh, no.
把床單丟到 Just...Throw the sheets in
洗衣... the LA--
今天你要讓我驕傲 today's the day you make me proud.
勞勃！啊 Rob! Ah!
她明天要做乳房X光檢查 She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.
有個壞消息 I have some more bad news for you.
這次不能這樣 Not this time.
上她？ Pussy?
可以跟你坦白嗎？ Can I confess something to you?
把床單丟到洗衣機裡，甜心 Just...Throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.
到底是怎麼回事？ What the fuck is happening?!
一切都沒事嗎？ Is everything okay?
嗯，當然 [ Chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah.
我，我等等把床單丟到洗衣機 I'll just -- I'll throw the sheets in the laundry.
你想要結束？ Do you want this to end?
因為我想我們說得很清楚 'Cause [Chuckles] I think you're getting a pretty good deal here.
我們在做愛，至少你可以跟我在學校牽手吧 We're having sex. The least you can do is hold my hand in school.
聽著，我們可以做愛是因為我 Look, the whole reason that this works is because I get to
得在大學認識好男人前先練習一下 practice for when I meet the right guy in college, okay?
在任何重要的人出現之前 'Cause as far as anyone who really matters is concerned,
你都不存在 you don't exist.
你怎麼會在這？ The hell are you doing here?
我有件事要跟你說 I have something I need to tell you.
這只有一種解釋 There is only one explanation.
你的處男魂讓你發瘋 Your virginity is driving you insane.
就像是depanorizzi 老師在健康課播的影片一樣 It's like one of those videos we saw in Ms. depanorizzi's health class.
你知道，小提米 You know, how little Timmy went
因為打手槍過多造成發狂 berserk because he masturbated too much.
不，我知道，只是，我發誓非常真實 No, I know. It's just -- I swear this all feels too real.
太真實了 Way too real.
聽起來像是妄想症 Sounds like a delusional disorder.
跟幻覺不同，你 Unlike hallucinations, your
相信的這些事情很明顯都是幻想 actual belief in these events is clearly pathological.
吃些精神病藥會幫助 An antipsychotic will help
減輕你的多巴胺 reduce your dopamine levels.
你會沒事的 You'll be fine.
我爸是心理醫生 My dad's a psychiatrist.
我知道怎麼解決 I know what will help.
什麼？ What?
三人行 A threesome.
跟我？ With me?
當然是跟你 Yeah. With you.
這是三贏 It's a win-win-win.
聽著，你需要在大學前練習，勞勃要破處以改善他的處男魂 Look, you get some pre-college practice, rob has sex and is no longer driven mad by his
造成的問題，而我得在八點前解放 virginal status, and I bust a nut before 8:00 in the morning.
你覺得呢？ What do you say?
嗯，但實際上三人行會發生什麼事？ Yeah, but what actually happens in a threesome?
這表示我要跟你... Does that mean that you and I --
不，勞勃，我跟你不會做愛 mnh-mnh, rob, you and I will not be having sex.
我們會一起上麗莎 We'd be boning Lisa.
同時嗎？ At the same time?
這要看情況 It all depends.
有很多種不同的方法 There are different methods.
你知道，我們可以輪流... You know, we could take turns --
夠了 okay.
你真的以為我會跟 Do you really think that I would
你們兩個三人行嗎？ have a threesome with the two of you?
也許吧 Maybe.
好吧，聽著 Okay, look.
三人行非常，特別 Threesomes are...Special.
必須保留到 They're specifically reserved
我找到可以結婚的男人之後 for when I find the man that I'm going to marry.
然後會跟他的一個朋友，一起 And then a friend of his choice, of course.
你知道，這就是結婚的運作方式 You know, that's how you make marriages work.
喔，還有，史丹利，你可以射了 Oh, and, Stanley, you can come now.
啊啊啊啊 [ Gasps ]
你也是，勞勃 You too, rob.
啊啊啊啊 [ Both gasping ]
把床單丟到 Just...Throw the sheets in
洗衣機裡，甜心 the laundry, hon.
他是個年輕人 He's a young man!
你在開什麼玩笑？ Are you kidding me with this?!
就像是在我們面前一大退步 It's like he's regressing right before our eyes!
今天很重要，他大概 He has a big day, probably
需要釋放些壓力 just needed to relieve some tension.
那壓力可真多 That was a lot of tension!
我們的兒子變成變態了 Our son is turning into this pervert!
我在他那個年紀，我還可以裝滿水桶 When I was that age, I could fill a bucket.
是嗎？甜心，你現在還是可以裝滿水桶 Yeah? Well, sweetie, you can still fill a bucket.
只是噴出一點點 It's just a little squirt.
一點點？ A little squirt?!
好吧，好吧 Okay, okay, okay, okay.
所以，我去安琪拉的房子 So, I went to Angela's house
一、二、三次，然後 one, two, three times, and then
我見到了史丹利和麗莎 I went and saw Stanley and Lisa.
然後我們差點要三人行 And then we almost had a threesome.
然後... And then...
這是48寸長的... Is that a 48-inch --
當然 sure is.
我從現在開始會自己洗衣服 I'm gonna do my own laundry from now on.
嘿！ Hey!
加布 Gabs!
加布麗爾，停下來 Gabrielle, stop!
加布麗爾 Gabrielle!
勞勃？你還好嗎？你像是瘋子 Rob? Are you okay? You look insane.
你看到加布麗爾了嗎？ Did you see Gabrielle?
嗯，她在裡面 Yeah. She went inside.
老兄，我打給你幾千次 Dude, I called your phone like a thousand times.
我今天發生了件很不可思議的事 The most amazing thing happened to me this morning.
我知道，麗莎變成射精大師 I know. Lisa's totally become a master at jizzekinesis!
射精大師 Jizzekinesis!
加布 Gabs!
加布，嘿 Gabs! Hey!
加布 Gabs!
你要穿這樣去面試？ That's what you're wearing to your interview?
哈？ Huh?
喔，不不不 Oh, no, no, no, no.
嘿，嗯，我要跟你談一下 Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
非常重要 It's really important.
好哇，你還好嗎？ Sure. Are you okay?
其實不好 Not really.
我們去別的地方.. Let's go somewhere maybe and --
喔，耶 Oh, yeah!
你以為這很好玩嗎？ You think that's funny?!
哇 Whoa!
冷靜 Chill out!
你不該碰的 That wasn't yours to touch.
勞勃，我想我們該走了 Rob, I think we should go now.
是啊，你應該聽你女友的話 Yeah, you should really listen to your girlfriend.
你們這些傢伙自以為高 You guys are taller and
又比較帥， you're better looking, but
這樣還不滿足嗎？ that's not enough, is it?
我是說，你們為什麼要惡作劇 I mean, why do you pick on guys like me?
你們知道我想什麼嗎？ You know what I think?
我在想你們是同性戀，但你們不知道 I think you're gay and you don't
怎麼處理，所以你們對我惡作劇，因為， know how to handle it, so you pick on me because, inside,
你們知道社會對你們霸凌 society picks on you.
這一點也不酷 That's not cool.
湯米是同性戀 Tommy's gay.
對，不過這算不了什麼 Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
這些人都很支持我 The guys are super supportive.
喔，那真貼心 Oh, that's so nice.
嗯，如果玩真正的運動就不能搞玻璃了是嗎？ Yeah, I guess it would have been worse if you guys played a real sport, right?
我說錯了 That came out wrong.
加布，我得走了 Gabs, I got to go.
這樣最好 Probably for the best.
抓住他 Get him!
啊啊啊啊 Aaaaaah!
喔，勞勃，你可以... Oh, rob! Can you --
不行 no!
他在哪？ Where is he?
試試看那間 Try that one.
喔，該死 Oh, shit!
喔，不 Oh, no.
不，不，不，不 No, no, no, no, no.
出來 Come on!
打開 Get it open!
鎖住了，鎖住了 It's stuck! It's stuck!
(我愛課後特別服務)
一、二、三 One, two, three!
你們就不能暫停兩秒鐘嗎？ Would you guys just stop banging for like two seconds?
噁，他在打槍 Ugh! He's whacking!
把床單丟到洗衣機裡，甜心 Just...Throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.
我沒事欸 Nothing happened.
嗯 Mm.
早安 Good morning.
坐下，我有事跟你說 Sit down. I want to talk to you.
爸... Dad...
為什麼我去喬治鎮大學這麼重要？ Why is it so important to you that I go to Georgetown?
嗯，我想這是因為 Well, I guess because that's
我在那裡認識你媽，之後我的人生才真正開始 where I met your mother and my life really began.
而你想要我也這樣？ And you want that for me?
當然 Yes, of course.
嗯，如果我不需要去喬治鎮經歷這一切呢？ Well, what if I don't need Georgetown to get that?
你不想去喬治頓？ You don't want to go to Georgetown?
不，我只是開玩笑的 No, I'm -- I'm just kidding.
不，我只是不需要鼓勵的話，就這樣 No, I just -- I don't need a pep talk, that's all.
我懂了 I got this.
你知道，你可以專心在你們兩個的周末旅行上 You know, why don't you just focus on planning your trip to parents' weekend.
好吧 Okay.
好的 All right.
祝你順心 Have a good day.
我證明了性愛絕地武士存在你卻沉默不語 I proved the existence of a sex jedi and you're just speechless and smiling.
你有想過除了性愛之外的事嗎？ Do you think about anything besides sex?
當然，我想過很多事 Yeah. I think about a lot of stuff.
像是為什麼我們要依賴進口石油 Like why we're still reliant on foreign oil.
為什麼我看起來有馬尾 What I'd look like with a ponytail.
你知道嗎？ You know?
為什麼花生過敏的人增加 Why the sudden up tick in peanut allergies?
你知道，這世界上有 You know, there are other
很多除了性愛的事 things in this world besides sex.
世界上有很多事情可以看可以做 Other things to see or do in this world.
就算學校也一樣 In this school, even.
你在說什麼啊？ What the hell are you talking about?
我在說我想要過著不後悔的生活 I'm talking about living a life without repercussions.
嗨，兩位 Hi, guys.
嘿，你表哥不是沒考上南橡樹大學？ Hey, didn't your cousin get admitted to South oaks?
嗯，精神病發作並且把鄰居家的車棚給燒了 Yeah. He had a psychotic break and burned down his neighbor's shed.
感謝你提醒我 Thank you for bringing that up.
嗯，我們得在勞勃發瘋前讓他考上 Uh-huh. We need to get rob admitted there stat.
你知道，我早上起來，長話短說，我 You know, I just woke up this morning, and long story short, I
覺得我做甚麼都可以 feel like I can do anything.
好吧，我們可以邊走邊講嗎？ Okay. Can we talk about that on the way to class?
對，走吧，我得上廁所 Yeah, let's go. I need to make a poo.
你們去吧 Yeah, you guys go.
我現在不想走路 I don't really feel like walking.
嗯，你說的對，他怪怪的 Yeah, you're right. He's acting weird.
嗯，他就像是達賴喇嘛 Yeah. He's like the douchey lama.
停下那台高爾夫車 Stop that golf cart!
讓我看你的通行證 Show me your hall pass.
高爾夫車也有通行證嗎？ Is there a hall pass for golf carts?
我要把你提報上去 I'm gonna have to write you up.
你真可憐 You poor soul.
你搞不清楚你擁有的權力 You don't know the power that you possess.
我是說，你每天都被打，為了什麼？ I mean, you get beaten up every day, and for what?
上大學的履歷？ A line on a college résumé?
我是說，與其提報人，你何不把你的權力 I mean, what if instead of writing people up, you used your
用在對你有好處的地方 position to your advantage, got something out of it.
像是，對我說如果給你這台高爾夫車，你就不會提報我 Like, tell me that you won't write me up if I give you the golf cart.
你願意這麼做嗎？ You would do that?
也許吧 Maybe.
或者是...不好意思，小姐 Or...Excuse me, miss?
你有通行證嗎？ Do you have a hall pass?
該死 Shit.
沒有 No.
啊，我不知道該怎麼辦 Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.
你看，我朋友是走廊巡邏員，而他的工作 You see, my friend here is a hall monitor, and it is his job
是提報在走廊遊蕩的學生 to write up students who roam the halls without the necessary paperwork.
拜託不要提報我 Please don't write me up.
我要是再被提報一次就會被停學 I'll get suspended if I get written up again.
你願意跟他喇舌嗎？ Will you French kiss him?
好吧 Okay.
但他不能跟其他人說 But he can't tell anyone.
很好 Deal. [ Door opens ]
但要讓他難以忘懷 But give him something to remember.
這就是你今天在做的事？ This is what you're doing with your day?
嗯，沒錯 Yeah, totally.
看看這個 Check this out.
你從哪弄來的？ Where'd you get that?
你知道那個怪怪的工友嗎？ You know that creepy janitor?
原來他不是戀童癖 It turns out he's not a pedophile.
而是毒販 He's just a drug dealer.
哈 Huh.
上來吧 Hop in.
我們應該在這？ Should we be out here?
不應該 Nope.
但這樣很好玩？ But that's what makes it fun?
沒錯 Yep.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
要是我們被抓到呢？ And if we get caught?
別擔心 Don't worry about it.
相信我 Just trust me.
就像是你上次叫我跟體育老師說 It's like that time that you told me to tell my gym teacher I
我不能跑步，因為我月經來了一樣 couldn't run the mile because of my menstrual cramps.
我說了嗎？ Did I do it?
齊澤克先生叫你「衛生棉條」 Mr. zizek still calls you "tampon."
我並沒說不跟你一起抽 I didn't say I'm not smoking with you.
來吧 Come on.
把火點起來 Light that thing up.
我來看看這是不是通往藥蟲的大門 Let us see if it is really a gateway drug.
喔，絕對是 Oh. It is.
通往快感的大門 A gateway to awesome.
喔，謝謝你 Oh, thank you.
嘿，你想要聽聽 Hey, you, um, would you like to
我從來沒跟其他人說的事嗎？ hear something that I've never told anyone ever?
好哇 Yes.
上高中第一年，我以為 Freshman year, I thought that
導師之夜就是指懷利老師要 parent/teacher night meant that Mrs. wiley was going to be
趁我父母都出門 staying at my house for a night
在我家過一夜 while my parents went away.
你得重新處理 You would have to bomb your
才能去掉她的臭香水味 house to get rid of the stench of her perfume.
喔，天啊 Oh, God.
我們怎麼變成朋友的？ How did we become friends?
你不記得了嗎？ You don't remember?
不，不是說我 No, it's not that I don't
不記得，只是說... remember, it's just...
你好像一直都在我身邊 It feels like you've always been here.
抱歉 Sorry.
大麻讓我變得很有深度 Weed must make me uncomfortably deep.
嗯哼 Uh-huh.
嗯，我當時三年級 Um...I was in the third grade
我是新學生， and I was the new girl, the
而且是160公分的高大女生 giant, 5'3" new girl.
而你是唯一 And you were the only one who
不嘲笑我的人 didn't laugh at me.
我只是很害怕不敢笑 I was too scared to laugh.
你很大隻欸 You were enormous.
喔 Oh.
嘿 Hey.
不管我們明年結果如何 No matter where we end up next
我們還是要一起看拼字比賽 year, we have to watch the spelling bee together.
當然 Of course we will.
我真的很抱歉上次放你鴿子 I'm really sorry that I blew you off this time.
我再也不會這麼做 I'll never do it again.
你什麼時候放我鴿子？ When did you blow me off?
我是說...我是說我絕對不會放你鴿子 I meant -- I meant to say I would never blow you off.
抱歉 Sorry.
這玩意真的會傷害大腦細胞 This stuff must really be killing brain cells.
能夠跟你一起在外面 It's nice to get out like
獨處還不錯 this once in awhile.
你知道 You know?
不用管上課，稍微放空 Get out of class, live a little.
嗯 Yeah.
我們應該早點就 We should have done something
這麼做 like this sooner.
我一直想這麼做 I always wanted to.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
你知道嗎？ You know what?
來吧 Come on.
要去哪？ Where are we going?
還有另一件我一直想做的事 There's something else I've always wanted to do.
給你 Here.
這很好，但是有點 It's pretty good, but kind of
違法 illegal.
教師休息室
喔，天啊 Oh, God.
等等 Hold on!
喔，你好，休斯老師 Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.
勞勃，這裡是教師休息室 Rob, this is the teachers' lounge.
嗯，嘿，你有火柴嗎？ Um, hey, you wouldn't happen to have a match or anything, would you?
沒有，嗯，酷 No? All right. Cool.
嗯，我應該走了 Well, um, I should probably get going.
但你應該再沖水一次 But you should probably flush
以防萬一 again, just in case.
裡面是什麼感覺？ What was it like in there?
非常舒適 It was very comfortable.
有非常多的休閒讀物 There was a great selection of reading material.
嗯 Hm.
我超愛甜甜圈 I fucking love doughnuts.
你知道，我只是說你擁有內在的力量 You know, all I'm saying is that you have an inner strength
我希望我有一天也能有 that one day I hope to have.
感謝你 Thank you.
噓，嘿，不要感謝我 Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.
好嗎，因為我現在根本不重要 Okay? Because I am not important right now.
面試？這根本不重要 My interview? That is not important.
我不會忘記你 I'm never gonna forget you.
我知道 I know.
哇 Whoa!
嘿 Hey!
嗚嗚 Whoo!
那是什麼情況？ What the fuck was that?
兩個人，心靈相通 Two men. Connecting.
夠了，不要再說了 Okay, cut the shit.
你今天是怎麼回事？ What is up with you today?
加布跟我都很擔心 Gabs and I are worried.
我不擔心 I'm not worried.
老兄，我跟你說過了 Dude, I've told you.
你不會了解 You don't get it.
你什麼時候跟我說過了？ When did you tell me?
三個早上前 Three this mornings ago.
沒事的，好嗎？ It's okay, okay?
因為我本來也搞不清楚，但我現在清楚了 Because I didn't really get it, either, but I do now.
今天是個恩賜 Today is a gift.
來吧 Come on.
我想到個主意 I just got an idea.
好，如同我跟你們昨天 Okay, so, as I told you guys
說的，明天的小考 yesterday, tomorrow's quiz will
範圍從第五課到第七課 be on chapters 5 through 7, and
你們想要看.. what you want to look --
克拉布先生，你的課是兩節課之前吧 Mr. crabbe, your class was two periods ago.
你錯過了 You missed it.
我知道，我只是在大便 I know. I was taking a shit.
你說什麼？ Excuse me?
喔，天啊 Oh, my God.
他在做什麼？ What's he doing?
這很硬，史丹利 They're very firm, Stanley.
就像是海綿 Like, spongy.
這表示這是假的嗎？ Does that mean they're fake?
喔，天啊 Oh, my God!
謝謝 Thank you.
幹的好 Sweet.
我覺得我抽太多大麻了 I think I smoked too much weed.
他剛剛抓了哈特妮老師的奶嗎？ Did he just feel up Ms. hartnett?
嗯哼，我想她會報警吧 Mm-hmm. I think she called the cops.
這很值得 It was worth it.
這裡有人坐嗎？莎莉？ Are these seats taken, Sally?
我早就想這麼做了 It has been a long time.
哇 Whoa!
這是為了四年級報仇 That was for the 4th grade!
是吧 [ Laughs ] Right?
喔，不好了 Oh, shit.
啊啊啊啊啊 Aaaah!
想辦法，勞勃 Save yourself, rob!
抓她的奶 Grab her tit!
我要抓她的奶 I'm grabbing her tit!
啊啊啊 Aah!
我在抓你的奶 I'm grabbing your tit!
抓到奶噴出來為止 Squeeze it till milk comes out!
我很抱歉 I'm sorry!
我很抱歉，莎莉 I'm sorry, Sally.
我支持你 I'm a big fan.
啊啊 Aah!
啊啊 Aaah!
那一定很痛 That's got to hurt.
啊啊 Aah!
莎莉 Sally!
啊啊啊 Aaah!
(漢森校長)
坐下吧，勞勃 Have a seat, rob.
我不知道該怎麼說 I don't know what to say.
你是我最喜歡的一個學生 You're one of my favorite students.
真的嗎？ Really?
我們根本不認識 We've barely met.
嗯，說的對 Yeah, exactly.
我喜歡我不用見到面的學生 I love the students I don't have to meet.
這工作的壞處是跟你們這些傢伙見面 Meeting you guys is the worst part of my job.
你介意我吃東西嗎？ Do you mind if I eat?
在警察來之前 It's gonna be awhile before the
還有點時間 cops get here.
警察？ The cops?
沒錯，警察 Yes. The cops.
老天 Geez.
你抓了哈特妮老師的胸部 You grabbed Ms. hartnett's breasts.
那是性騷擾 That's sexual assault.
我是說，不要自以為厲害 I mean, don't flatter yourself.
警察也是來抓一個白癡司機 They're also coming for some moron bus driver who was toking
在車上抽大麻，但主要還是針對你 it up in one of the parked vehicles, but you're the main focus.
所以 So...
我並不是對你的 I don't mean to be flippant
處境不慎重，但在 about your situation, but in an
人滿為患的公立學校中，如果有學生 overcrowded public school like this, if one of you students
幹了壞事而我得驅逐你，並不會讓我失去胃口 the crapper and I get to expel you, I am not losing my appetite over that.
該死 Shit.
去你的 Fuck.
好吧，我們看看你幹了什麼壞事 All right, let's run down the hit list.
你性騷擾教師 You molested a teacher.
你性騷擾一位女學生以及男性巡邏員 You sexually harassed a female freshman student and a male hall monitor.
還有...這很有趣 And then -- [ Chuckles ] This is funny.
你跟女生打架還輸了 You got in a fight with a girl and you lost.
她用釘鞋踩我的男性部位 She curb-stomped my genitals. With her shoes.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
你媽跟你爸都要過來了，順便說 Your mom and dad are on their way, by the way.
她說她看到你早上在自慰 And she said that she caught you masturbating this morning.
那是夢遺 It was a wet dream.
我沒有自慰 I wasn't masturbating.
對我來說你就要加入性犯罪 Seems like to me you're going for a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.
我可以去廁所嗎？ Can I go to the bathroom?
尿在褲子裡吧 Yeah, in your pants.
因為你不能離開這裡 'Cause you're not leaving this office.
好吧 All right.
我們看看 Let's take a look.
我搞不懂為什麼 I can't figure out what would
你會墮落成這樣，我是說，從記錄上來看，毫無瑕疵 make a boy like you snap. I mean, up to this point, no missteps.
什麼事才會讓你做這些事 What would make a boy like you do what you did?
我是說，這真是天大的疑問 I mean, it's a big question.
這是社會的問題嗎？ Is society at fault?
大概吧 Probably.
你有犯罪因子嗎？ Have you got bad wiring?
你小時候受的擁抱不夠多嗎？ Were you not hugged enough as a kid?
勞勃，勞勃，小勞勞 Rob, rob, Robbie.
我是說，怎麼了你？ I mean, what is it?
你吃了憂鬱症的藥嗎？ You take Paxil or something?
也許是你的家庭生活 Maybe it's your home life.
我不知道 I don't know.
也許你有個恐怖父母 Maybe you have horrible parents.
但這有一個恐怖的事實 But here is the hard truth that
美國尚未準備好承認 America is not prepared to admit.
我們都是...骯髒的動物 We're all just...Filthy animals.
但卻期待我們遵照 And to expect us to play by the
假正經的規則 prude rules --
這太該死的可笑 that's ri-goddamn-diculous.
我是說，你對 I mean, what you did to
哈尼特老師做的事... Ms. hartnett...
我們都很想這麼做 We were all thinking about it.
只要你沒有賣毒 As long as you don't sell crack
其實我們不太在乎你摸什麼奶，但 really don't care if you play a little ass-grab, but...
我是說，如果我有預算，我想打造 I mean, hell, if I had the budget, I would build us a
一個密閉的空間 windowless room where you
讓你們這些小惡魔 perverts could just go in there
進去又抓又插一整天 and poke and grab all day long.
我會用水泥打造，你知道，這樣你們 And I'd make it all out of cement, you know, so you could
比較好清洗那些...液體 hose down all the...Fluids.
拜託 Come on!
那是精液嗎？ Is that semen?
那是美奶滋 It's just a little Mayo.
那是我女兒做的三明治 My daughter made me that sandwich!
那是很特別的三明治，你這變態 That's a special sandwich, you little pervert!
喔喔 Ohh!
警察到了 Cops are here.
嗯，我知道 Yeah, I know.
老兄，你得帶我出去 Dude, you got to get me out of here.
來吧 Come on.
嗯，你們知道這裡是女生的更衣室吧 Uh, you do know that you're in the girls' locker room, don't you?
跟你的喉結說吧 Tell that to your Adam's apple.
嗯，抱歉 Uh, sorry.
躲在這裡直到可以離開為止 Hide here until it's safe to leave.
什麼？ What?
不要出來 Don't go anywhere.
快啊 Come on!
你是怎麼回事？ What the fuck is wrong with you?
你在跟我說話嗎？ Are you talking to me?
不，我在跟我的老二說話，因為它硬不起來 No. I was yelling at my dick because it won't get hard.
那裡有個男生，而且他在... There's a guy in there. I think he's...
自我安慰？ Molesting himself?
聽起來就是這樣，你想看嗎？ It sure sounds like it. Do you want to watch?
嘿，老兄，你到底在幹嘛？ Hey, man. What the fuck are you doing?
我真的很需要打手槍，但現在沒辦法， I really need to jerk off, but it's not working, and I
我想我可能搞砸了 think I might have broken it.
等等，為什麼你要打手槍？ Wait. Why do you need to jerk off?
老兄，我真的沒時間解釋 Dude, I really don't have time to explain right now.
幫我或者讓我離開這 Just help me or get the fuck away.
你要幹炮嗎，先生 [ High-pitched ] You want to fuck mistah?
我第一次免費，你可以插進我的洞 I'll fuck you first one free. I'll give you all my holes.
肛門也可以 Even brown one.
史丹利？ Stanley?
嗯？ [ Normal voice ] Yeah?
你他媽在幹嘛？ What the fuck are you doing?
我在幫忙 I'm trying to help.
我去過亞洲，那邊都是這樣，你懂嗎？ I went Asian. Asian seems right, you know?
把你的蛋捲塞到我的濕小穴裡 [ High-pitched ] Put your egg roll in my sticky bun!
喔，我們要大幹一場 Ooh, we do fucky-fucky! Fucky now!
我們要幹炮囉 Let's do fucky-fucky!
閉上你的鳥嘴 Shut the hell up.
你才閉嘴 [ Normal voice ] You shut the hell up!
史丹利，拜託不要， Stanley, come on. Stop, man.
我需要專心 I really need to focus.
喔，不，幹我 [ High-pitched ] Oh, no. Do me!
用狗爬式，然後我們吃狗肉 Do me doggie style, then we eat dog!
汪汪 Woof!
拜託，老兄，停下來，你在破壞情緒 Come on, man. Please stop. You're ruining it.
不，你才停下，美國先生，掐我 No, you stop, Mr. America. Choke me.
掐我 Choke me!
你從前面插她 [ Deep voice ] You fuck her from the front, "g."
我從後面上 I'mma fuck her from the back.
耶 Yeah.
那是啥？ What the hell is that?
我唯一可以裝的其他聲音 [ Normal voice ] It's the only other voice I can do.
我決定去找警察，也許在監獄被強暴一樣可行 I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting raped in jail is gonna do the trick.
喔，不 Oh, no.
把床單丟到洗衣機裡，甜心 Just...Throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.
你在開什麼玩笑 You got to be fucking kidding me!
你說什麼，羅伯特？ What was that, Robert?!
你才開什麼玩笑 You got to be fucking kidding me!
看看你自己 Look at yourself!
我很抱歉，媽 I'm sorry, mom.
我不敢相信我的生活變成這樣 [ Scoffs ] I can't believe this is my fucking life.
啊啊啊啊啊啊 Aaaaaaaaaah!
你不打算鎖車嗎？ You're not gonna lock your bike up?
嘿，幾位 Hey, guys.
你什麼時候要上飛機，亞提？ What time are you flying out, Artie?
很可惜殘障奧林匹克沒有搞笑項目 Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.
勞勃，加布麗爾跟我說喬治鎮大學面試在 So, rob, Gabrielle told me your Georgetown interview is --
今天 today.
不，我不想提到你的名字 And no, I don't want to drop your name.
我是說，我可以，但，你知道 I mean, I could, but, you know,
我寧可不要跟你扯上關係 I'd rather not be associated with you.
勞勃，怎麼了？ Rob. What's wrong?
這跟面試無關 It's not the interview.
你需要談一談嗎？ You want to talk about it?
我很好 I'm good. [ Sighs ]
嗯，今天是拼字比賽 Well, it's bee day, right?
嗯，關於這件事，我得取消 Yeah, about that. I have to cancel.
真的嗎？就這樣？ Really? Just like that?
沒錯，就這樣 Yes, just like that.
嘿 Hey!
噢 Aw!
我不知道你怎麼回事，但答應我你不會面試時 I don't know what's going on here, but promise me you'll turn the darkness off for
也這樣 your interview.
因為你花了很多時間在這上面 'Cause you've worked your ass off for it.
我要知道你不會任意放棄 And I need to know you're not gonna throw it away.
如果需要我陪你面試，我可以 If I have to do the interview with you, I will.
不要在我旁邊吵了，我現在 Stop fucking around, man. I'm not --
我現在狀態不好 I'm not in a good place right now.
我沒有吵你，你是我最好的朋友，我願意為你做任何事 I'm not fucking around. You're my best friend. I'd do anything for you.
你是認真的嗎？ Do you mean that?
當然，我認真的 Yeah. I mean that.
我是說，你從來沒說過這種話 I mean, 'cause you've never really told me that before.
嗯，我不知道我得這麼說 Well, I never knew I had to.
我不知道，你只是... I don't know, you're just --
你一直都很粗俗，你知道嗎？ you're always so vulgar, you know?
我隱瞞了我的情感，這是我的防禦機制 I bury my emotions. It's a defense mechanism.
我要抱你了 I'm gonna hug you now.
我知道 I know.
嘿，兩位 Hey, guys.
喔 Oh.
嗨，安琪拉 Hi, Angela.
嘿，安琪拉，你好嗎？ Hey...Angela. How are you?
為什麼你們在擁抱？ Why are you guys hugging?
現在是2013年了，安琪拉，男人也會擁抱，你知道嗎？ It's 2013, Angela. Men hug now, you know?
接受吧 Deal with it.
勞勃，嗯，我本來要去找你，但你既然在這，我 So, rob. Um, I was gonna come find you later, but since you're here, I
知道我們的課輔時間不在星期四，但 know our tutoring session isn't technically supposed to be until Thursday, but --
今晚，嗯，可以 tonight. Um...Yeah. Sure.
太好了，我們可以在我家嗎？ [ Chuckles ] Great. And could we do it at my house?
如果必要的話 If we have to.
太好了，那大約七點過來 Perfect. Come over around 7:00.
很好 Great.
連帽衣很好看 Nice hoodie.
使這個男人陷入瘋狂 Tracing the man's slow fall into madness.
我會開始念然後我們要討論 I'll start reading and then we'll go around the room counterclockwise.
好吧，我們開始吧 Okay, let's get started.
克拉布先生，你可以坐下來然後開始嗎？ Mr. crabbe, would you mind taking your seat so we can begin?
喔，不，如果不麻煩，我寧可站著 Oh, no, if it's okay, I'm just -- I'm gonna stand.
不，這可不行 No, it's not okay.
請勞勃克拉布到辦公室 I need rob crabbe to the main office.
喔，哇，你很高興我坐下來了吧 Oh, wow. Aren't you glad I took my seat?
當我念這首詩時，請注意 As I recite the poem out loud, listen for the repetition
出現的「不再重複」 of the word "nevermore."
加比呢？ Gabs?
哈 Huh.
...「我疲弱地低喃」 ..."while I pondered weak and
一種被遺忘的古雅 weary, over many a quaint and
好奇的 curious volume of forgotten
音量 lore"...
克拉布先生，很高興認識你，年輕人 Mr. crabbe, good to meet you, young man.
我說實話，今天就像是從來沒結束的惡夢 Not gonna lie. Today has been a never-ending cluster fuck.
嗯，我很遺憾聽到 Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
但就我所知，每一件困難事件的背後充滿陽光，每天都是恩賜 But as I've learned, in the light of some recent difficult events, each day is a gift.
是啊，你不能回收的恩賜 Yeah, it is a gift you can't return.
你的申請資料相當驚人 You have a very impressive application.
每件事情都被設計成尋求正確的回應 Everything on there was designed to solicit that exact response.
我被要求要進入這間學校 I have lived to get into this school.
你知道我甚至對於你問的每一個問題都設計了 You know I even have a set of perfectly scripted responses to virtually every question that
很完美的回答嗎？ you could ever ask?
嗯，曾經，我很擔心我可能超過我準備的 Hell, at one point, I was so nervous I might have even over-performed.
但現在不會了 But not now.
為什麼？為什麼現在不會了？ Why? Why not now?
喔，我可以跟你說，但你永遠不會相信我 Oh, I could tell you, but you'd never believe me.
這是壓力太大嗎？因為我可以跟你說，你肯定能進入我們學校 Is it the pressure? Because I can tell you, you're a lock for our school.
還是女生的問題？ Is it a girl?
是女生嗎？ Is it a girl?
我跟你說，永遠有其他選擇 I can tell you, there's gonna be others.
一定會有，而且那位真命天女，會向你現身... There will, and when the right one...Presents herself...
喔，天啊，我真的希望你這次不會哭 Oh, God. I was really hoping you wouldn't cry this time.
什麼？ What?
問題是，我以為我想要的事，例如 Here's the problem. There are certain things that I thought I wanted, like getting
進入喬治頓大學或是跟安琪拉上床，但是 in to Georgetown or fucking Angela yearwood, but then I
我明白我其實不想要這些事 realized I don't actually want any of those things.
嗯... Uh...
只是其他人想要我這麼做 Other people just want them for me.
你不該輕率的決定性愛 Having sex is nothing you should take lightly.
我知道，我今天就噴了七次 I've had, like, seven orgasms so far today.
天啊 Holy shit.
怎麼樣？ How'd it go?
往好處想 Look on the bright side.
今晚你可以跟安琪拉上床 Tonight you get to have sex with Angela yearwood.
不 [ Sighing ] No.
最糟糕的就是，我不想 The worst part is I don't.
嘿，我以為你取消了 Hey. I thought you had to cancel.
我可以進去嗎？我不太好 Can I come in? I'm not good.
我甚至根本沒上到床，我只是噴了，然後 And I don't even get to actually have sex. I just orgasm prematurely and
我就回到我的床上 then I wake up back in my room.
然後我媽發現我濕了一褲子 And then my mom comes in to find me sitting on a massive wet spot.
你相信我嗎？ Do you believe me?
只有你每天早上都噴濕一褲子的部分 Only the part about you waking up in a massive wet spot every morning.
加比，我知道這聽起來很瘋狂，但我認真的 Gabs, I know that this sounds fucking crazy, but I'm serious.
好吧，那我現在會說什麼？ Mmkay, what am I gonna say now?
我不知道，我還沒做過這件事 I don't know. I -- I haven't done this part yet.
喔，好吧，所以你每天還是不一樣 Oh, okay, so every day is not the same.
你可以做不同的事 You can do different things.
沒錯，但...無可避免地，我得噴一下 Yes, yes, but... inevitably, I have an orgasm.
好吧，好的，那很...好 Okay. All right. That's...Great.
你一定要相信我 You got to believe me.
我不相信，但，我現在很擔心你 I don't, but, uh, I'm worried about you now, so...
你可以重新描述你的永不結束天嗎？ Walk me through this never-ending day?
好吧，嗯... Okay, um...
嗯，我早上起來... Well, I wake up...
把床單丟.. Just...Throw the sheets in --
冠軍的味道 smell of a champ--
勞勃 [ thud ] Rob!
嗨，各位 Hi, guys.
乳房X光檢查 A mammogram.
不再重複 Nevermore.
Pongsaklek wonjongkam.
不 No.
我可以跟你坦白嗎？ Can I confess something to you?
蹦蹦 Ka-boom.
這就是你的一天？ And that's all you can think of?
嗯，還有一次莎莉 Well, one time Sally levinson
踢我踢到噴出來，但結果一樣 kicked an orgasm out of me, but those are the constants.
好吧 Right.
聽著，嗯，現在很晚了，而我明天有考試 Look, it's, uh, it's getting late and I have a test tomorrow.
加比，拜託，好嗎？ Gabs, come on, okay? Please?
拜託幫幫忙 Please help me.
聽著，如果你要是再過一次，你得早點跟我說 Look, if you're just gonna live this day over again, you got to tell me earlier.
例如，第三節課 Like, third period.
然後你又不相信我 And have you not believe me again?
好吧，聽著，如果你要我相信你... Okay, look. Just, if you want me to believe you...
你跟我講你的故事時 When you tell me your story,
你就說我夢過跟林肯 just mention the Abraham Lincoln
的春夢，這樣我就會相信你 sex fantasy and I will believe you.
噁心，你曾經做過跟林肯的春夢？ Ew. You have an Abraham Lincoln sex fantasy?
我曾經夢到他... I had a dream where he...
解放我的G點 Emancipated my g-spot.
難以忘懷的經驗 It was unforgettable.
喔，天啊 Oh, my God.
好吧，你要不要我幫忙 Okay, do you want my help or not?
算了吧 Just forget it.
我們還有另一個選擇 We do have one other option.
我們可以去跟我所知最聰明的人談 We can talk to the smartest person I know.
所以你們過來找我幫忙 You've come to me for help.
請原諒我先享受片刻 Pardon me while I savor this moment.
就跟你說這是爛主意 Told you this was a bad idea.
先等等 Just wait.
亞瑟，我們真的需要你幫忙 Arthur, we really need your help.
我很讚賞你們決定跟我談這件事，我曾經有過 While I applaud your decision to discuss the matter with me, I have little experience with
精神方面疾病 mental illness.
還有，他是王八蛋 Also, he's a dick.
亞瑟
你沒跟我說你朋友在這
我也不知道，是他們自己過來
奶奶不喜歡臨時造訪
- 但我還沒... - 他們得離開
但...
不要跟我辯
冷靜
有人受傷前把他們送出去
我很抱歉，各位，但我媽說得在我奶奶看見你們之前離開 I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you have to leave before my Nana sees you.
為什麼？跟你奶奶有什麼關係？ Why? What's up with your Nana?
媽媽，不要 Mama, no!
啊， Aah! Mama!
怎麼回事？ What the fuck?!
媽媽，媽媽 Mama! Mama!
媽媽？ Mama?
她死了嗎？ Is she dead?
啊啊啊 Aah!
喔，不 Oh, no!
喔，不，快弄走她 Oh, no! Get her off of me!
快弄走她 Get her off of me!
弄走她 Get her off!
弄...走...她 Get...Her...Off.
Jadoogar.
你要去哪？ Where are you going?
學校 School.
不能穿這樣 Not like that.
沒關係，我做過好幾次了 It's okay. It get a do-over.
嘿，亞瑟 Hey, Arthur.
喔，嘿，勞勃，我今晚弄了啤酒 Oh, hey, rob. I got beer for tonight.
我有話跟你說 I need to talk to you.
我很忙 I'm pretty busy.
你還好嗎？ Are you okay?
不，我不好 No. I'm not okay.
我卡在同一天，而且你永遠想像不到 I'm stuck in the same day, and it's a fucking hell that you
但是一直發生 can't even fathom, and it just keeps happening.
我醒來，然後就一直發生怪事，然後 I wake up, life kicks the shit out of me, and then I have an
我射了，我又重複同一天，我知道這聽起來很怪， orgasm, and then I live the same day all over again, and I know that that sounds crazy, but it's
但這是事實，現在我要你他媽解釋給我聽 true, and I think that this little fucker can explain it to me.
哇，我從來沒看過中年危機 Wow, I've never seen a midlife crisis before.
他才17歲 He's 17.
我一直以為他會英年早逝。吸毒或是發生空難 I always saw him going young. Drugs or a plane crash.
總之，希望可以順利，勞勃 Anyway, hope it works out, rob.
哇，哇，好吧 Whoa, whoa, okay.
小心 Watch it.
這件衣服很精緻的 These fibers are delicate.
好吧，他才五年級 All right, so, he's, like, 5.
嘿，不 Hey, no!
給我回來，給我回來，你這小渾蛋 Get back here! Get back here, you little shit!
亞瑟 Arthur!
喔，不，喔 Oh, no. Oh.
他在裡面，我給你兩分鐘，但不要太殘忍 He's in there. I'll give you two minutes, but make it rough on him.
我要「馬桶蓋蓋蛋蛋」那種程度 I'm talking "slamming balls on the toilet seat" rough.
嘿，哇，哇，嗯，維修中，往前走 Hey, whoa, whoa. Uh, maintenance. Keep it moving.
但我很緊急 But it's an emergency.
我要殺了你 I'll fucking kill you.
不要這樣，裡面有大便，我聞得出來 Please stop! Someone just pooped in here! I can smell it!
jadoogar是什麼意思？ What does a "jadoogar" mean?
等等，什麼？ Wait, what?
jadoogar是什麼意思？ What does "jadoogar" mean?!
「詛咒」！我想意思是「詛咒」 "Curse"! I think it means "curse"!
什麼樣的詛咒？ What kind of curse?!
就像厄運 Like a jinx!
我要怎麼去掉？ How do I get rid of one?!
我怎麼知道？ How should I know?!
因為你奶奶在我身上下咒 Because your grandma put it on me!
這怎麼可能，我奶奶根本不認識你 That's crazy! My Nana doesn't even know who you are!
你奶奶在我身上下咒 Your Nana put a fucking jadoogar on me!
不要再這樣了，我可以感覺到我口內的瘡都破了 Please don't dunk me again. I can feel sores opening up on my lips and in my mouth.
給你 Here.
如果我有小刀，我會捅破你的喉嚨 If I had a knife, I'd stab you in the fucking throat.
你有檢查語音信嗎？ - 你還好嗎？ Have you checked your voicemail? - Are you okay?
你怪怪的 - 最棒的就是.. You're acting kind of weird. - The most amazing thing...
我被詛咒了 I'm cursed.
那個第一代渾球剛跟我說我被詛咒了，而這該死的 That first-generation asshole just told me that I'm cursed and that this fucking shit-storm of
一天會一直重複 a day is just going to keep repeating.
你知道哪裡好笑嗎？你做了個跟林肯的 You know what's ridiculous? Is wanting to have sexual intercourse with
春夢 Abraham Lincoln.
因為我經歷過今天的每一分每一秒 Because I've been through every nook and cranny today has to offer.
你跟我說過，昨天晚上九點 You told me to say it, at 9:00 tonight yesterday.
之後我噴在亞瑟媽媽的大奶上，然後 And then I blew a load on Arthur's mom's ample chest, and
我醒過來又重新一次 then I woke up back where I started.
不管怎樣，聽著，今天早上... Whatever, dude. Listen, this morning --
麗莎是射精大師，根本沒人在乎這件事 Lisa's a jizz jedi. Nobody cares right now.
這個詛咒聽起來並沒有很嚴重 Not like a curse is such a big deal.
如果不嚴重，那替我解決啊 Well, if it's not, then solve it for me.
好吧，這很簡單 Okay, it's pretty simple.
這個詛咒是上天要你把做錯的事修正 A curse is the universe trying to make you right a cosmic wrong.
你必須搞清楚怎麼會有詛咒然後解決它 You have to figure out what made the curse start and fix it.
你怎麼知道？ And how do you know that?
當然啊，貝比魯斯魔咒 Duh -- the curse of the bambino.
由於某些神秘的影響力，波士頓紅襪隊 By some sort of divine intervention, the Boston Red Sox
得到了貝比魯斯，然後他們把他交易到洋基隊 got babe Ruth, and they traded him to the Yankees.
為了打破魔咒，它們得打敗洋基隊 To break the curse, they had to beat the yanks.
最後花了八十年，最後還是解決了 It took them over 80 fucking years, but they fixed it.
上天很殘酷的 The universe is a cruel bitch.
你知道嗎？史丹利，你可以 You know, Stanley, you can
每隔一段時間就說「不知道」 always say, "I don't know" every once in awhile.
你不需要每次都唬爛 You don't always have to bullshit every time there's a pause in the conversation.
喔，那好，如果你有更好的主意，為什麼你會卡在同一天？ Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why are you still stuck in the same fucking day?
詛咒爛透了，現在跟我道歉然後 Curses are bullshit. Now say sorry and go conquer
克服無法克服的東西 that which has been unconquerable.
安琪拉 Angela.
我得走了 I got to go.
嘿 Hey!
老兄，我還在等你道歉 Dude, I'm still waiting for the apology.
孩子們，明天我會找人代課 Kids, tomorrow I'm going to be out with a substitute and
後天我會回來說我乳房X光檢查的故事 the next day I'm gonna have a big story to tell you all about my mammogram.
嗯，馬可妮老師 Uh, miss marconi.
安琪拉需要去辦公室 Angela's wanted down at the main office.
你有通行證嗎？ Do you have a pass?
沒有 No.
那她不能跟你去 Then she can't go with you.
嗯，好吧 Uh, fine.
安琪拉，今晚，我要去你家，不是課輔 Angela, tonight. I am coming over and not for tutoring.
勞勃 Rob.
什麼？ What?
拼字比賽 Spelling bee.
真的嗎？拼字比賽？ Seriously? Spelling bee?
你沒問題嗎？ You okay with that?
當然 Sure.
你們可以繼續上課了 You may continue your class now.
好吧，我要你教我如何在床上取悅女人 Okay, I need you to tell me everything you know about pleasing a woman.
老天爺 Jesus.
他就像性愛的比爾貝利奇克(美式足球教練) He's like the bill belichick of lady parts.
答應我你不會看 Promise me you won't watch.
我不能答應 I can make no such promises.
噢，王八蛋 Aw, motherfucker!
你怎麼會突然這樣？ What made you do this?
你知道，我一直想要做這件事很久了 You know, I wanted to for, like, the longest time, and it
感覺就像你終於注意到我，懂嗎？ felt like you were finally starting to notice me, you know?
就像，也許上天要我們這麼做 Like, maybe the universe wanted this to happen.
這真的很棒，通常我都跟年紀大的人 This is really nice. Usually I'm with older guys, so...
嗯，我更浪漫，比較沒有體毛 Yeah, well, I am more romance, less body hair, so...
你知道怎樣更開心嗎？ You know what could be really fun?
我們不要念書直接做愛 If we stopped studying altogether and just did this.
好哇 [ Laughing ] Okay.
這樣，我是說，你只要跟我做愛 That way, I mean, you just have to, like, hook me up with
然後替我作弊跟幫我寫報告 cheat sheets and write my papers for me.
但我是家教欸 But I tutor you.
但這樣不是更好嗎？ Yeah, but isn't this better?
我是說，我們可以在家教時做愛，然後 I mean, we can fun during our study sessions, and then you can
你可以回家替我寫作業 go home and do my work after.
好吧，但，你從來沒在我身邊裝酷 Okay, but...You don't ever have to act cool around me.
我以為這是你喜歡我的原因，我讓你感到自在 I thought that's why you like me, that and I make you feel safe.
我從來沒說過這種話 I never said that.
你說的對，嗯，聽著，安琪拉，你的確 You are right. Um... Look, Angela, you are obviously
非常，非常的正，但你知道嗎？ very, very hot, but, you know what?
我們永遠不可能 This never works out.
我是說，我已經試圖跟你做愛六次，我受夠了 I mean, I have tried to have sex with you like six times, and I'm done.
我是說，我不知道我應該怎麼做，但絕對不是做愛 I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but it is definitely not here.
還有我很抱歉...白金芬黛？ And I'm sorry -- white zinfandel?
你幾歲了，45了嗎？ What are you? Like, 45?
好吧，那你可以滾了 Okay, then you can get the fuck out of here.
當然 Will do.
死傢伙，白金芬黛最好喝了 Dick. [ Scoffs ] White zin's delish.
還真快啊 That was quick.
去死吧你 Go fuck yourself.
我跟招生處的朋友談過了 I talked to my buddies in admissions.
你以為我不知道你搞砸面試了嗎？ You don't think I would have found out that you blew off the interview?
我去加布麗爾那裡找你 I went to Gabrielle's to tear you away from the spelling bee.
她跟我說你去「婊子」那裡，她說的 She told me you went over to "what's-her- slut's" -- her words.
爸，今天真的很漫長 Dad, it has been a really long day.
喔 Oh.
還沒結束，給你 It's not over yet. Here.
拿去吧 Put this on.
他到了 There he is.
喔，天啊，好吧，準備展開戰鬥 Oh, Jesus. Okay. Get your game face on.
傑克羅斯？ Jack roth?
嗯？ Yeah?
我叫吉姆克拉布，這是我兒子，勞勃 I'm Jim crabbe. This is my son, rob.
我們之前在電話上談過 We talked on the phone before.
對 Right.
坐吧 Have a seat.
很好 Great.
感謝你離開前見我們 Thanks for seeing us before you left town.
吉姆，你可以拿些威士忌嗎？ Jim, could you go get us some scotch?
多拿幾杯？這裡的服務很差 Couple scotches? Service here is shit.
喔，當然，好吧 Oh, sure. Okay.
嗯，你想喝什麼？ Um...What'll you have?
杜瓦牌的，加冰和檸檬皮，我要兩份 Dewar's on the rocks with a twist. Make it a double.
你爸真的很想讓你上喬治鎮大學 Your dad really wants you to go to Georgetown.
嗯 Yeah.
你想嗎？ Do you?
你現在在想什麼？ What's going through your mind right now?
我等不及今天結束 Just that I can't wait for this day to be over.
我跟你一樣 You and me both.
我的貓大便在貓沙盒外 My cat shits outside of the box.
不是走廊或是地下室或是我的床上，就在貓沙盒外 Not down the hall or in the basement or in my bed, just right outside of the box.
簡直就是瞧不起我 It's a big "fuck you."
嗯，怎麼會這樣？ Yeah, what's up with that?
我老婆幾個月前過世 My wife passed away a few months ago.
而那頭貓非常愛她 And the cat really loved her.
牠希望我死而不是她，這就是那頭貓的意思 He wishes I had died instead of her. That's what he's saying.
你有沒有想過也許，你的貓只是個渾蛋？ Have you considered that maybe...Your cat's just an asshole?
牠的確是個渾蛋 He is an asshole.
謝謝你 Thank you.
來吧 There we go. [ Chuckles ]
吉姆，我剛在問你兒子為什麼想要去喬治鎮大學，但是 Jim, I was just asking your son why he wants to go to Georgetown, but I would like to
我比較想問你，為什麼你要他去喬治鎮？ hear it from you. Why do you want him to go to Georgetown?
嗯，我去了之後讓我的人生徹底改變 Well, my going there was the transformative experience of my life.
而你只是假設對你最好的經驗也是最他最好的？ And you just assume that what was best for you is also the best for him?
讓我這樣說吧 Let me put it this way.
我曾經也有選擇，喬治鎮大學或是耶魯大學 I had a choice. It was either Georgetown or Yale.
為什麼你選擇喬治鎮 Why did you choose Georgetown?
其實...我沒有選 I actually -- I didn't choose it.
喬治鎮大學給我獎學金 Georgetown gave me a scholarship.
有時候上天在你快做錯誤決定時幫你一把 Sometimes the universe has a way of helping when you're about to make a mistake.
你是今晚的風雲人物 You're on fire tonight.
嗯，我去拿酒，我去拿 Yeah. I'll get them. I'll get them.
好吧 Okay.
是法文嗎？ Is it French?
是 Yes.
我可以知道意思嗎？ (夢娜，13歲) Can I have the definition, please?
「確定或是預定」 "To determine or appoint beforehand."
可以造個句子嗎？ Can you use it in a sentence, please?
我們的生活是天注定或是 It is debated whether the events of our lives are
大腦中的產物很值得討論 foreordained or the product of our own brain."
我不想去喬治鎮大學 I don't want to go to Georgetown.
但是... But all --
不要反應 don't...React.
只要感受 Just feel.
也許我想去，也許不想 Maybe I want to go. Maybe not.
不管怎樣我會去好學校，但是 I'll go to a good school no matter what, but...
我現在唯一知道的事就是我喜歡加布麗爾 The only thing I know right now is that I really like Gabrielle.
嗯，非常喜歡，然後... [ Chuckles ] Like, a lot, and, uh...
每一次今天重複的時候，我都搞砸了 Every time today plays out, I fuck it up.
我這次絕不能搞砸 And I'm not gonna let it happen again.
加布麗爾就是我的喬治頓 Gabrielle is my Georgetown.
我不知道那什麼意思，但我支持你 I have no idea what that means, but I support you.
一切都沒問題的 It's gonna be okay.
我可以拿回我的頭帶嗎？ Can I have my headband back?
好 Yeah.
看起來你比較適合 Looks better on you.
謝謝你，傑克 [ Chuckles ] Thanks, Jack.
我們去找那個女孩吧 Let's go get that fucking girl!
好哇 Okeydoke.
耶 Yeah.
上來吧 Get in!
你可以開車嗎？ Can you drive?
當然 Sure.
我們要不要買薯條？ Why don't we get some fries, too?
好吧，我該怎麼做？ Okay, so what do I do?
太晚了不能按門鈴 Well, it's too late to knock.
哪一扇才是她的窗戶？ Which one is her window?
燈還在閃 The light's still flickering.
好吧 Okay.
太好了 Yes!
在你最黑暗的時刻，何不在沙灘上 During your darkest time, why was there only one set of
留下足跡？ footprints in the sand?
什麼？ - 因為我支持你，兄弟 What? Because I carried you, brother.
上去吧 Get over here.
我們要怎麼做？ What are we doing?
要有人推你一把 You're gonna need a boost.
你在做什麼？ What are you doing?
我有話跟你說 I need to talk to you.
我沒跟安琪拉上床 I didn't have sex with Angela.
N-O N-o...
有，你並沒有跟學校公車上床，真是大英雄 Yeah. You didn't bang the school slut. What a hero.
滾出我的房間 Get the fuck out of my room.
加布，拜託 Gabs, come on.
不要這樣 Stop it, okay?
真的嗎？ Really?
我買給你一個新的，聽我說 I'll buy you a new one. Just...Listen, okay?
我早上醒來的時候，我期待今晚在這 When I woke up this morning, I expected to be here tonight.
我是說，我無法想像我沒做過的事，但我卻忽略這件事 I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't have been, but I lost sight of that.
但我現在在這，不管有沒有詛咒 But I'm here now, curse or no curse.
勞勃！ Rob!
情況如何？ How's it going up there?
那是誰啊？ Who's that?
喬治鎮大學的面試官 That is my Georgetown interviewer.
勞勃，情況怎樣？女孩呢？ Rob, how's it going?! With the girl?!
他們在做什麼？ What are they doing here?
我們在飯店喝了點酒，說了很多話 We had a drink at the hotel. Shit got deep.
先聽我說，好嗎？ Just listen, okay?
我以為我喜歡安琪拉 I thought that I had feelings for Angela.
勞勃，離開 Rob, leave.
嗯，讓我說完，安琪拉不是 Well, just let me finish. Angela isn't --
呃，這跟安琪拉無關 ugh! This isn't about Angela!
只是....滾出去 Just...Get out.
我不會離開 I'm not going anywhere.
好吧，算了 Okay. Fine.
我可以結束你，我只要把你弄離開 I can end this. I just have to finish you off.
這樣你就可以離開我房間而你過你的生活 Then you're out of my room and you're back in yours.
好嗎？ Okay?
什麼？ What?
快點，來吧 Let's go. Come on.
哇，不要，不要這樣 Whoa! Don't...Do that.
嘿，哇，等等 Hey, whoa! Hold on!
很快就結束了 It'll be over really fast.
加比，不要這樣 Gabs, seriously, stop!
不要碰我 Don't touch me!
這又不會痛 'Cause that's not hurtful.
如果你聽....加布麗爾，你在做什麼？ Well, if you would just -- Gabrielle, what are you doing?!
把褲子脫下我就可以安靜了 Take off your pants so I can be alone!
加布麗爾 Gabrielle! [ Door opens ]
喔，該死 Oh, shit.
嗨，爸 Hi, dad.
喔，感謝你，伯父 Oh, thank God, sir.
請不要走，因為你女兒 Please don't leave, because your daughter -- [ Scoffs ]
她想要對我做壞事，還有，我只想跟 She was trying to take advantage of me, and, uh...I just want to
你保證我絕對不想對她動手動腳 assure you that I do not wish to do anything physical with or to her.
現在 [ Chuckles ] Right now.
如果你可以把衣服穿上我比較愉快，女兒 I'd feel a lot better about this if you put your shirt back on...Dear.
嗯，當然，給你吧 Yeah. Sure. Here you go.
嗯，聽我說，我很快就走，如果這是你想要的，但.. So... look, I'll leave, if that's what you want, but...
我只想跟你說，失去你我不知道該怎麼辦 I just want to say, um... I don't know what I'd do without you.
我意思是，你就像我每天的存在意義 I mean, you're, like, the only way that I can get through the day.
每天晚上睡覺前我都會看你是否傳訊給我 Every night before I go to sleep, I check to see if you texted me.
我是說，你跟我說不要穿黑褲配白襪子 I mean, you were the one who t old me to stop wearing white socks with black pants.
這樣很難看 It's not a good look.
你在第三節課給我葡萄乾讓我的血糖不會下降 You give me raisins in third period so my blood sugar doesn't go low.
你的飲食不正常啊 You don't eat properly.
你在我的手機下載霍爾與奧茲的歌 You download hall and oates songs onto my phone.
一開始只是開玩笑，現在我真的很喜歡 That started as a joke, but now I like them.
我也是 [ Laughs ] Me too.
我愛霍爾與奧茲 I love h&o.
聽著，今天我過得很糟，加布麗爾，每一次都一樣，但 Look, today has been terrible, Gabrielle, each version of it, but it's been
很值得，因為今天我終於知道我多喜歡你 worth it because today's the day I finally realized how much I like you.
現在我只想要坐...離你遠一點 And now all I want to do is just sit...Several feet away from
一起看拼字比賽 you and watch the spelling bee.
但很明顯我破壞了一切，所以.. But I obviously ruined all that, so...
我要從我來的地方回去，然後希望可以再給我一次機會 I'm just going to leave the way I came in and hope I get another shot.
喔，該死 Oh, shit.
所以，你也到這個年紀了 So, um... you're at that age.
你開始對他人有感覺 You're gonna start having feelings.
爸，我比較想跟媽談 Dad, I'd really be more comfortable talking to mom about this.
很好，她等等就回家 Great. She'll be home later.
好 Okay.
直接跳下來 Okay, just go -- go ahead and jump.
但你要抱膝和滾動 Yeah, but you're gonna want to tuck and roll when you hit.
骨折比扭傷好的快 Go for a break, not a sprain. Heals faster.
真令人欣慰，好吧，三、 That's reassuring. Okay, three...
二、 Two...
你想要看剩下的拼字比賽嗎？ You want to watch the rest of the spelling bee?
好哇 Yeah.
你可以先幫我拉上去嗎？ Can you help me up now, please?
當然，我會 Yeah. Yes. I can.
謝謝 Thank you.
哈哈哈 [ Both laugh ]
我怎麼跟你說的 What did I tell you?
哈哈 [ Laughs ]
愛情很生動 Love is alive!
可以造句嗎？ Use it in a sentence?
這傢伙看起來年紀很小 This one looks young.
嗯，這是他第一次參加... Yeah, yeah. It's his first bee, so...
這是源自於法文嗎？ Is the language of origin French?
原產地，真好的拖延之詞 Origin. That is a great stall.
他不知道怎麼拚 Don't spell it till you know it.
喔，他快崩潰了 Oh, no. He's imploding.
你聽的到嗎？ Can you hear me?
喔，天啊，我看不下去了 Oh, God. I can't watch.
喔，不要這麼膽小，來吧 Oh, don't be such a pussy. Come on.
嗯，不，我看不下去 Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not gonna watch it.
快啊，不要這麼，喔，哇 Come on! Don't be s-- oh, wow!
喔，好吧，你知道嗎？ 這真的很糟 No, okay, you know what? [ Laughing ] That's really bad.
很不幸，你的時間 Unfortunately, you've gone
已經結束 over your allotted time.
你得離開台上 You must leave the stage.
他媽媽在哪裡？ Does anyone know where his mother is?
我們一認識我就喜歡你 I've liked you since we first met.
我口齒不清的時候？ When I had my lisp?
沒錯 [ Lisping ] Yes.
我本來今晚要跟你告白，但我希望啤酒 I was gonna tell you tonight, and then I was hoping that the
可以壯膽又不會讓我打嗝 beer would help and not make me burp.
我一直希望我們是彼此的第一次 I was always hoping we'd be each other's firsts.
我也是 Me too.
你覺得他們現在在幹嘛？ What do you think's going on in there?
我想...感覺怪怪的 I think... it feels kind of weird.
噓，你聽到了嗎？ Shush. Do you hear that?
有點尷尬 This feels awkward.
我覺得，不可思議的愉快 I feel -- I feel unusually comfortable.
好了 [ Laughing ] Okay.
我們要開始了嗎？ Should we?
沒錯 Yes.
我是說，現在？ I mean, like, now?
好了，但你要知道我還沒有... Okay, but you should know I haven't had the best luck with --
勞勃，試著放輕鬆 rob, just try and relax.
喔，喔，不，喔，天啊 Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.
我，我很抱歉，我... I -- I'm sorry. I'm --
勞勃？怎麼了？ Rob? What happened?
我是說，除了我們在床上這件事 I mean, besides the obvious.
我不在我的床上 I'm not in my bed.
我在你的床上 I'm in your bed.
我媽也不在 And my mom's not here.
你需要葡萄乾嗎？ Do you need raisins?
不，我不需要 No. I don't need anything.
我在我該在的地方 I am right where I'm supposed to be.
你知道嗎？ You know what?
什麼？ What?
我們應該早點這麼做 We should have done something like this sooner.
我一直都很想 I've always wanted to.
我們再來一次 Let's try it again.
[ Grouplove 的 "tongue tied" ]
正確答案 That is a wrap!
冠軍出現了 We have a champion!
耶 Yay!
帶我去你朋友家 Take me to your best friend's house
穿過這層迷宮 goin' 'round this roundabout
喔，耶 oh, yeah
帶我去你朋友家 take me to your best friend's house
我那時愛你，我現在愛你 I loved you then, I love you now
喔，耶 oh, yeah
不要舌頭打結 don't take me tongue tied
為什麼你想去喬治鎮大學？ so, why do you want to go to Georgetown?
喬治是誰？ George who?
真聰明，又漂亮 Smart. Beautiful.
你絕對是喬治鎮所需的人 You're exactly what Georgetown needs.
你結婚了嗎？ Are you married?
不，不再是 No. Not anymore.
我老婆死了 My wife is dead.
平常我們在親熱 Normally we're making out
喔， 耶 oh, yeah
喔，帶我去你朋友家 oh, take me to your best friend's house
她用鞋子踢我的男性部位 she curb-stomped my genitals. With her shoes.
你應該揍她的陰部 You should have punched her in the pussy.
哈哈 [ Laughs ]
用力 Harder!
快上 Do it!
抓她的奶 Give her a tit bruise!
把她的奶擠出來 Squeeze her tit until milk comes out!
嗨，爸爸 [ High-pitched ] Hi, daddy.
該死 [ Normal voice ] Fucking --
哈哈 [ laughter ]
不，我可以 No, I can do this.
嗨，爸爸 [ High-pitched ] Hi, daddy.
歡迎到我的小穴花園 Welcome to my pu pu platter.
哈哈 [ Laughter ]
幹 Fuck.
我什麼都會做，任何事 I'll do anything. Anything.
把我的手指插到屁眼 Put my finger in my butt and
讓我放屁 make me pump it.
我可以替你打手槍 I help you jerk off.
讓你射精 I make you explode.
我們可以玩狗爬式 Do me doggie style and then
我們再吃狗 we can eat dog.
哈哈 [ Laughter ]
我光是今天就 I've had, like, seven orgasms
射了七次 so far today.
七次？ Seven?
比我還多三次 That's three more than me.
七次？ Seven?
你一定得來喬治鎮大學 You have to come to Georgetown.
你可以賺很多錢 You can make a lot of money,
年輕人 young man.
這就是...哇 [ Laughing ] That is so -- wow.
哈哈 [ Laughter ]
這樣可以嗎？ Is that selling it?
啊啊啊啊 [ Both gasping ]
哈哈哈 [ Both laugh ]
喔，耶 Oh, yeah
帶我去你朋友 take me to your best friend's
家 house
我那時愛你 I loved you then,
我現在愛你 I love you now
不要舌頭打結 don't leave me tongue tied
不要說再見 don't wave no goodbyes
不要舌頭打結 don't leave me tongue tied
不要 do-o-o-o-n't
不要舌頭打結 don't leave me tongue tied
不要說再見 don't wave no goodbye
不要舌頭打結 don't leave me tongue tied
不要 do-o-o-o-n't
一人字幕組 2015.02.08 pm 21:44